ABSENCE: May the Farce be with you!
by Al Kristopher
Summary: Remember Kirika's long epic shoujo-ai romance/action story "Absence"? Well, with her permission, I have been given the task of turning a dark angsty story into a ridiculous parody! WARNING: May rot brain cells (Aw, g'wan, you know you wanna read!)
1. All the stuff that happened in the first...

Opening monologue: Do you REALLY think that I own Sailor Moon? I didn't think so. Anyway, I know that I said I would be retiring, but I couldn't resist this one entry! As some of us know, before the great NC-17 ban, there was an author on this site named Kirika (as in Noir), and she was writing a shoujo-ai story called "Absence", which was a pretty epic novel full of delicious angst, blood, gore, yuri, more angst, more blood and gore, and more yuri. Wasn't that a great story? If you missed it, go to Mediaminer.org and check it out.

The purpose of this story is to bestow the ultimate honor upon the work of another author. I have been given permission to spoof, parody, and make a senseless farce out of Kirika's story, and since I loved it so much, I am now going to destroy it upon the rocks of hilarity. I repeat, I HAVE HER PERMISSION TO DO THIS, so don't be crying to any of the site administrators, ya little snitches! Anyway, prepare yourself for an ooey-gooey laugh fest that promises to turn a tear-jerking romance/angst/action story into a pointless, stupid, waste of everybody's time. It's going to be great.

And now, without further to do…

I present to you…

…(Wait for it!)

ABSENCE:

****

MAY THE FARCE BE WITH YOU!

Chapter One: All the stuff that happened in the first chapter

Once upon a merry olde time, there lived in the merry olde town of Tokyo a young lady, a merry olde soul named Rei Hino, who was busying herself on such a calm and merry olde day with reading a merry olde book!

"I am reading a merry olde book!" she declared. Yes, indeed, the book was quite merry _and_ olde, and as each merry olde page was turned, her merry olde eyes absorbed every merry olde letter, and took in every merry olde plot development--

"Enough with all the merry olde crap!" she shouted suddenly. "If you keep on yammering, I'm gonna kick you in your merry olde groin!" Oh no! Young Rei Hino was not so merry and olde anymore! In fact, she was quite agitated and young! Some foul demon had interrupted her merry olde book-reading, and--

__

THWACK!!!

UGGHNN!!

………

…Right!

Anyway, Rei Hino was enjoying the merry olde--

"Don't you get any ideas, buster!" she snarled suddenly. The narrator apologized, and went on with the story, speaking in an English accent--and a terrible one, at that! Anyway, Rei Hino was enjoying the lovely day, when all of a sudden, her friend Ami Mizuno came out of nowhere!!!

"Rei! You gotta help us! A monster is attacking downtown Tokyo!"

"Oh no!" exclaimed Rei. "I've gotta help! Lead the way, pretty chickadee of blue hair!!" Ami and Rei whooshed off away from the temple shrine where Rei lived, and appeared a few seconds later in the next scene, which was downtown Tokyo. All of the other Sailor Senshi were there as well: Sailor Jupiter, the brave, Sailor Moon, the pure, and Sailor Star, the not-quite-as-brave-as-Sailor-Jupiter, who had nearly fought against the demons of Drizill, who had nearly stood up to the sheep of Alduhr, and who had personally wet herself at the battle of Okinawa Hill. And then, there was the aptly-named, Sailor Not Appearing In This Story.

Together, all nine-hundred and forty seven soldiers of love, beauty, truth, and breakfast cereals had gathered together and summoned up all their might to destroy one tiny little imp. Rei and Ami joined the fray as Sailor Mars and Sailor Mercury, and together, they fought against the tiny critter.

"That must be the monster you told me about!" exclaimed Mars. "Wow! He sure does look nasty!"

"He is!" grunted Jupiter. "It's taken all six million of us to gang up on this creep and slap him stupid! But I'm glad you're here! Now we stand a fighting chance!"

"Yes!" agreed Mercury. "Let's go clean his clock!" All of the girls and their one single lonely male companion agreed, and produced rags and buckets and polish from out of their pockets, and began to clean the imp's clocks (I know, you saw that one coming a mile away).

"Insolent fools!" declared the evil imp. "I shall slay thee with mine sword and mine scabbard!" The imp pulled out of his mighty scabbard a sword, a sword of which had the exceptional power of tickling its opponents into stupidity, subjugation, and perhaps, at best, an uncontrollable fit of girlish giggling. The imp wielded his lethal sword of tickling, and struck Sailor Moon with it verily.

"I have no idea what verily means, but that tickled!" cried the leader. She laughed and cried more, rolling to the ground as she was tortured by the all-powerful tickling sword. Sailor Mars and the others, who were just finishing with the cleaning of clocks, noticed that their beloved leader was being brutally tortured. Thus, they scrubbed all the faster, finished their work (cursing about "stubborn grass stains" as they did), and finished just in time to save their leader.

"Rally ho!" exclaimed Mars. "Let's go use all our powers on that creature until he doesn't seem to be moving, then we'll hold a bar mitzvah and a luau, then we'll kill him again!" And there was much rejoicing.

"Yay!" The girls did exactly this, first by flinging all their unnatural powers at the ignoble beast, then, they threw a salvo of water balloons, rubber chickens, and straw wrappings at him. The imp, being bombarded by so many attacks from al sorts of directions, lurched backwards in pain, accidentally knocking over a pillar that seemed to come out of nowhere.

"How'd that get there??" wondered Sailor Saturn. She turned to see if anybody else knew.

"Perhaps it was carried?"

"What? How does a person carry a pillar?"

"They could grip it by the foundation!"

"It's not a question of where it _grips_ it, it's a simple matter of weight ratio! A 180-pound human could not carry a 600-pound column!"

"What about an African human?"

"Ah, yes, that could work, but African humans aren't migratory."

"I've got it! Supposing two humans carried it together?"

"Nah, it would look dumb then!" The girls were so busy arguing amongst themselves that they did not notice the entire building collapsing around them. It didn't matter that they had been outside for most of the story; the author said so and that's the way it went! Anyhow, the merry olde building began to collapse--

__

THWACK!!!

__

UUGGHN!!

…Right!

Anyway, the building began to tumble, and so with as much speed as they could, the army of Sailor Scouts ran out of the building. However, Sailor Mars was not so quick, and, having slipped on a banana peel to accentuate the slapstick humor, she tripped and fell and received the brunt of the ceiling as it fell right on top of her. A mighty crash shook the whole area, and a cloud of dust was coughed out of the remains of the destroyed building.

For awhile, silence.

"Wow… who knew that one single pillar would be holding up that much weight?" said Venus. Everybody groaned. Sailor Moon ran towards the building, or what was left of it, and screamed out with all her might for the Sailor Senshi that had been caught under it.

"Oh my god, they killed Rei! You monsters!"

"I'm not dead!" came the muffled voice of Rei. Sailor Moon's eyebrows crossed in confusion.

"What?"

"I'm not dead!"

"Oh. Uh, Oh my god, they mortally wounded Rei! You monsters!"

"I think I'm getting better!" she called out. Sailor Moon snarled and said a naughty word, and suddenly, for no reason at all, the entire building blew up in a mighty explosion, sending Sailor Moon flying backwards. As debris, smoke, flames, and little tiny imp-pieces flew in the air, all the other Senshi gasped in awe at the wonderful special effects.

"Wow, cool!" squealed Venus. "_She_ won't be back for the sequel!" The other Senshi agreed, and they all began to cry because Rei was dead. However, she was not! She was still alive! How did she survive that explosion, you ask?

Simple.

She crouched.

**__**

To be kontinued!


	2. All the stuff that happened in the SECON...

Chapter Two: All the stuff that happened in the SECOND chapter

Enter: The Angst-inator! YOU WILL CRY OR ELSE WE KILL YOU ALL!!!!!!

Anyway, Rei Hino magically found herself underneath the magical rubble of the magical building that had magically fallen on top of her. Using her MAD SKILLZ, Rei avoided being turned into a pancake by a small margarine and lived to love again. Or was it loved to live again? Well, whatever it was, our most noble and black-haired beauty of a bombshell was alive and well, but was stuck underground with lots of really nasty things with big pointy teeth! Grrr!

"Oh no!" exclaimed Rei. "I'm stuck underground with lots of really nasty things with big pointed teeth! Grrr!" Hey, _I_ said that! "Silence, foolish mortal!" Yes, ma'am.

Rei began to search for a way out of her predicament, and since the first paragraph of this chapter clearly stated that there was magic involved, she used her magical hands to push against the magical brick wall, and all of a sudden, it gave way! She was free! FREE! Free, I tell you! Now that Rei was free, one had to wonder what she was going to do! Would she rejoin her friends and do battle with more nasty imps with tickling swords??

"No way, _Jose_!" she spat. "I'm going to _Disneyland!_" And so, squealing like a seven year-old child that had just ate her own weight in candy, Rei skipped merrily to the nearest train station and screamed for the conductor to take her to Disneyland.

"I DEMAND THAT YOU TAKE ME TO DISNEYLAND OR _ELSE!!!!!_" she roared.

"But Miss! That's in California!" he protested. "We're in Japan!"

"I DON'T CARE! DO IT OR ELSE!!!!" The conductor, not wanting to be smothered by all the words that had been written with the caps lock on, agreed verily and started the magical train that would take Rei to the most magicalest place on Earth!

"Yippee!" she squealed. "I'm gonna go to Disneyland, I'm gonna go to Disneyland, I'm gonna go to Disneyland!" For the entire trip there, she sang the same song over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. The passengers, who had gotten tired of the song five minutes after boarding, ran screaming off the train and leaped out, even if there was nothing to leap _onto_.

"She can't take much moore of it, Cap'n!" declared Scottie. "Ah'm gonna have to activate an all-system shutdown!"

"Don't you… do it… Scottie!" ordered Captain Kirk. "We'll… find a way… to… avoid this… new crisis!"

"But she's singin' at the top'a her loongs!" argued Scottie. "The whole ship's gonna blow if she keeps on yappin'!"

"Then there's… only one thing we… can do," said Kirk.

"What's that?"

"We're… going to have to ask the… conductor to… let her off somewhere!"

"Is that legal? Can ya do it?"

"I… pray that we can, Scottie. I pray that… we can!" And so, Captain Kirk and Scottie got up and asked the conductor to kick poor singing musical Rei off the train. He gladly obliged, and literally applied Boot to Butt to get rid of the harmonious nuisance. Rei crashed on the floor as she was expelled from the train, and let a scream come out of her mouth as she cursed the train and its stupid crew.

"Stupid train!" she screamed. "Stupid crew! Fine! FINE! Screw you guys! I'll have just as much fun in…" Rei paused, squinted her eyes, and looked u at the nearest sign in order to determine where she was. Vaguely, she could make out the letters.

"I'll have just as much fun in…… 'No Smoking in the Station'. …Gosh, that sure is a weird name for a town! Oh well! La, la, la, la…" Humming merrily, Rei skipped out of the train station and back up to the surface world. There, she took in an enormous breath of air, smiled a huge smile, and spread her arms out as if to hug the place.

"AH!!! I'm so glad to be living here in No Smoking in the Station! Look out, town, cuz Rei is on the prowl!!" She grinned and growled, holding up a balled fist as she declared supremacy. Meanwhile, every passerby was staring at her, and in a way that was hardly flattering. One mother even hid her child's eyes as they scurried past the demented woman's position.

__

Meanwhile, in the Great Hall of the Injustice League…

Gathered around a long rectangular table were several of the anti-universe's greatest villains to ever live in the history of any time that there was a great villain. They were all naughty little boys and girls, and very wicked, and they usually didn't take baths or do their homework or even feed their fish! One of them kicked a puppy dog! How awful!

First, there was Thrinakie, an evil creature who had the ability to be Super-Old. He could even shape-shift into a buzzard and eat rotting flesh really, really fast! After him, in terms of age (Thrinakie's superpower enabled him to be so old, he called Dick Clark a "little whippersnapper"), there came Makareus, who had Super-Face-Changing abilities, and a Super Tuxedo that never got dirty! His evil sidekick was Iason, a man who had Super-Spelling! The only females of the group were Laodameia, who had Super-Hairstyling as her powers, and Aiaia, who used her mighty Belch of Impending Doom to break glass! And finally, there was Khairephon, who had Super-Fast Blinking skills!

Together, this assembly of the evilest evil that was ever evil in a land of evil evils--not a one of them were much "good" at anything--had gathered around a rectangular table so they could all have a serious discussion about which order they should gather round their table next, should the need arise. Buzzard-Breath and The Loveable Blinking Psychopath made a good point by saying that they should all sit from youngest to oldest next time, when all of a sudden, the monitor that had been placed inside the Great Hall of the Injustice League turned on!

"Hey, look!" pointed Makareus, using one of his faces to look like Jimmy Stuart. "It's one'a them intercom message boards that all the kids are talkin' about these days! Whaddya suppose all this means, Mr. Potter?"

"Shtop kalling me Mr. Pottah!" snapped Thrinake, who had been placed inside a wheelchair. "I am not ze Lionel Barrymore of ze Frank Capra film! I am, how you say, ze mad doktor who is running around in ze veelchair!"

"And a fine job yer doin'!" exclaimed Makareus, using Jimmy Stuart's face and voice. "Now, about that monitor thingy… Whaddya suppose they want?" All the villains in the room turned around to see what the person on the other side of the monitor wanted.

"Super-Enemies, I'm glad I was able to get through to you!" exclaimed The Person. "There's a new crisis afoot, and I want you to handle it!"

"Who mentioned mine foot!!!???" screamed Thinakie. A dense, awkward paused filled the room, leaving everyone else to gaze at the Super-Old man like he had just gotten one billion years younger.

"…Anyway," said Makareus, who was now using Anthony Hopkins' face and voice, "what were you saying about a crisis there, Clarice?" The Person on the other side of the monitor continued.

"Yes, well, it seems as if we have a new league of Good Guys running around. They are fighting for truth, love, justice, and shamrocks, and are fixing things wherever they go! Nobody has ever gotten into their path of reconstruction and lived to tell about it! It's a death worse than fate to challenge them!"

"Who be these fiends three?" asked Khairephon in a very snooty voice. "Be they we, of which he is me? When thee art me, dost thou see the tea? Do they pay a fee to pee?"

Silence.

"…You must stop them quickly!" shouted The Person. "Otherwise, all will be gained! Please, Super-Enemies, you _must_ stop these Good-Doers from wreaking order!"

"Ve'll do it!" snapped Thrinakie as he leaped out of his chair. He went splat on the ground and Laodameia laughed.

"AH hahaha! You fell!"

"Yeah! SPLAT!!" cackled Aiaia.

"Who are these dastardly doers of righteousness?" asked Makareus. The Person swallowed darkly.

"They are called the Sailor Senshi!"

"Thine name shalt be of **_mud_** whenst I doth eliminate their rrrrrrrranks!" declared Khairephon. Everybody ignored him and united together as the Super-Enemies.

"Super-Enemies roll call!" shouted Makareus. "Thrinakie!"

"_Sieg Heil!_"

"Makareus! …………Makareus? …MAKAREUS, YOUR NAME IS BEING CALLED!!!!!!!!"

"Uhhhh, like, you're Makareus, dude," said Laodameia. Makareus froze in place, smiled sheepishly, and turned his face to that of William Shatner.

"Oh. I was…… unaware! Anyway, where is… Laodameia?"

"Uhhhh… I'm here, dude," she said.

"Yeah! Yeah! I'm here too!" screeched Aiaia. She cackled nonsensically, and began wandering around aimlessly, sometimes bumping into things or tripping over objects, as always.

"……Iason?"

"HELLO MY NAME IS IASON!"

"Got it! Is there a… Khairephon in… the house?"

"He is me and me is we! Present and accounted for, even!"

"And Lazarus?" A pause filled the air as all eyes and other viewing organs turned to see the dark figure hidden in the shadows. An eerie silence overcame the room, and the entity known only as Lazarus emerged from the void.

"…Yeeuup. Ah'm here all right, but where'd mah banjo git to? And who in all'a got-dang Dixie stole mah shootin' rifle? And mah huntin' dawg?"

"Here's your _odious_ instrument," hooted Khairephon as he turned his nose to the air and handed Lazarus his banjo. The impatient assassin, however, would not be satisfied with just that.

"Hey, ain't you-a fergettin' somethin'? Like, mah dawg and mah killin' rifle?" Khairephon sighed again, and handed the "detestable objects" back to the lethal hillbilly. Lazarus let out a squeal of satisfaction as he hugged his banjo, rifle, and dawg to his body, and with that done, all the Super-Enemies were ready to go.

"Ve are… ready to go anytime, _Mein Fuehrer!_" said Thrinakie. Makareus nodded his head, and the hunt for the Sailor Senshi began.

"Super-Enemies, AWAAAAAAAY!!!!"

----------

Meanwhile, Rei discovered to her great disappointment that she had NOT landed in Disneyland, or anywhere even NEAR the magical place! She had found herself in Okinawa, which was a very long way away from Tokyo and the woman she loved. Unbeknownst to most of her friends, but knownst to all the readers that read the "serious" version of this story, Rei was mortally in love with Usagi Tsukino, the blonde ditz of an angel with pigtails that would make any S&M entertainer jealous. Rei and Usagi fought and bickered a lot, and never got along; thus, logically, according to anime romances, they were both drastically in love with each other.

But since Rei was so far away from her yellow-haired secret love (at least it _was_ secret until I told you!), she couldn't just walk next door, pick a fight, and end up seven hours later "sharing" a bed together. Oh, no! If she wanted to do that, she would have to walk pretty durn far if you ask me! And so, since she was several pretty miles away from her pretty love, the French people that lived in Okinawa taunted her and laughed at her and did silly things to make her angry! YES, the French!! They're always up to no good!

Rei needed a ticket to ride, and since she was da ho dat had no mo do and no mojo, girl had to get herself a JOB! And so, our fine sexy-fox of a lady pimped on over to the OG residence of a down-home food-chuggin' place, and slapped herself an APRON on over her buxom body! Mm-hhmm!

"I is getting' my self a job in da burger joint!" she exclaimed to herself. "Now dis is goin' out to all dem homies in my crib in Tok, and an extra-special shout to my luvuh and my bruthuh, YO!" Course', she done already got herself a first customer, and since she be workin' in da pimp joint'a burger, she done go on and ask them what they all is wantin'.

"Welcome to Takeuchi Burgers, may I take your order?" The customer smiled and pointed both his index fingers at her.

"Mm, girl, you is lookin' _fine_ in that apron and hat! Mm-mm! You is one _foxy_ lady!"

"Thanks!" she grinned. "But do you want anything to eat, sir?"

"Aw, uh, yeah," he replied. "My tummy is bummy for dat fry-deal y'all got goin' on! Can you, my foxy femme, shake on over dere and gimme some potato sticks?"

"Certainly!" she said with a bright smile that would make her friend Minako jealous. "That comes to five yen! Would you like fries with that?"

"Yo, G!" exclaimed the customer. "Why you askin' me if I want fries if dat's what I already told you I wanted?!"

"Uh, I dunno…" muttered Rei meekly. "I was, uh, just, uh, wondering."

"Aw. Coo."

"So do you want fries with that, sir?"

"Ah tell you what," he replied--then paused, and stated clearly, "No!" The man left, leaving poor Rei to hand out a box of fries to an invisible man. From deep in the lairs of the kitchen, her manager screamed out in annoyance.

"HIIIINOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

__

Sometime later, in the very same restaurant…

"Hello, welcome to Takeuchi Burgers! How may I help you?" exclaimed Rei as she greeted another customer. The man looked up at the menu and made his decision.

"Well, I'll have a cheeseburger, please."

"That's seven yen! Would you like to add fries to that for only two yen more?"

"Why sure!" he exclaimed.

"Would you also like to add a nice cold refreshing drink to that for three more yen?"

"Sure, I… suppose…"

"Would you care to supersize your meal for an extra four yen?"

"I, uh… maybe… perhaps…"

"And would you like to add a nice frosty dessert to that for only three yen more?"

"I, uh, well, umm…"

"Or you could just have the cheeseburger and save twelve yen!"

"AAARRRGGGHHH!!!! I'M LEAVING!!" And just like that, the customer left the room, also leaving the manager very angry in the process.

"HIIIINOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

__

Sometime even later, in the very same restaurant as the other two events…

Rei smiled warmly as she chatted with her brand spanking-new coworker, a nice but slightly pathetic mess of a man named Tsubasa. She called him Sir Roberto Salvador Einhanzer Dweidelvon Schnapps Lederhosen de la Conquistador Onetwothreefourfivesix Appalachia Montesano Ravenwood XIV. Just then, another customer came inside the building!

"Hello, may I take your order?" asked Tsubasa. The customer nodded her head.

"Yes."

A pause.

"What do you want, ma'am?" he asked. She looked at the menu and pointed her finger at something ambiguous.

"Umm, I dunno. I want…………………………… that one!"

"The baked potato?" he pointed.

"No, not that! THAT!"

"The bowl of chili?" asked Rei.

"No, not that one! That one!"

"The chicken sandwich?"

"No, not there! There! Not there! There! That one!"

"Dumplings?"

"Vegetable soup?"

"Taco salad?"

"Honey pie?"

"Savoy truffle?"

"Glass onion?"

"No, not there! There! That one! Over there!" Simultaneously, Rei and Tsubasa said the exact same thing.

"I GIVE UP!"

"Me too!" exclaimed the uninformative lady. "I'm leaving!"

"No, wait!"

"HIIIINOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

__

Sometime even LATER later! In the very SAME restaurant! …Restaurant…

"Hello, welcome to whatever the name of this place is," mumbled a very exhausted Rei. "May I take your odor?"

"Yes, I'll have a--WHAT?"

"Oops!"

"HIIIINOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! You got a lotta splainin' to do!!"

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!"

Oh no!

Will Rei be able to hold her job at the fast food joint?

Will she ever remember its name? Or for that matter, Tsubasa's?

Will Tsubasa ever try the chicken cordon bleu?

Will the French continue to taunt Rei, or will they focus on the English?

Why does Rei have a thing for Usagi? Why does Usagi have a thing for pie?

Will the Super-Enemies find our beloved Senshi? And if so, will there be a fight? And if so, will they do it on the roof, as all fights should be? And if so, will random onomatopoeias fly like so many thrown punches? And if so, how many cameo appearances will there be? And if so, will Adam West do this for free? And if so, then why?

Where have all the cowboys gone?

Why is the sky blue?

Whatever happened to baby Jane?

Where did I put my pants?

Do you know the Muffin Man?

Tune in next time when these questions, and some that were too irrelevant to tell, continue to remain a mystery, perhaps forever and ever, so NYA!!!

**__**

Continued be TO!


	3. The Chapter that’s after the second but ...

Chapter Three: The Chapter that's after the second but before the fourth

Now that Rei was trapped in Okinawa and not Disneyland, she had to get by through some means. Currently, she was in the employment of a very mundane and thankless fast food restaurant, acting as cashier and customer service person thingy, and that paid the bills within some reason. However, when she was not busting her back, or somebody else's, Rei was sitting alone, thinking of home, and the angel she left behind.

"Cry, cry, cry, I think I am going to die," she said in monotone. "Bawl, bawl, bawl, impale my heart with an awl. Moan, moan, moan, I cannot seem to go home. Whine, whine, whine, my angel Usagi ain't mine!" Rei continued to cry and bawl and moan and whine, until she finally ran out of words to rhyme. She wanted to think that her Absence from Tokyo was a good thing, and that her parting with her friends was called for, and that she could never stand to see her dear Usagi in the arms of a man, oh Heaven Forbid! God forbid that there's a perfectly legitimate male/female relationship in an anime!

And so, since she was so filled with angst, depression, grievances, and those irritating hemoglobin pixies, she decided to moan and groan and spiral down further into a pit of depression. But then Tom & Jerry came on, and she forgot about everything and laughed her head off!

__

Meanwhile, above the city in the night sky…

The evil and wicked Khairephon (who, as we all remember, speaks like a hoity-toity sissy and has Super-fast Blinking skills) descended down onto the world of Okinawa and laughed. As we all know, evil monsters have the absolute best sense of humor, and since Khairephon was the evilest of them all, his sense of humor was especially big.

"Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoooo!" he chortled. "This city be mine to conquer! All I need to do now is locate the nearest hero to my vicinity, challenge them to a duel, and in defeating them, I shall be victorious! Ho hoo hooo!" But it was not quite that easy, since we all know that Tokyo is one of the major epicenters of heroic activity in the entire world (alongside New York City, of course). With that said, there were exactly 4,767,438,568 heroes to choose from, in that area alone, and exactly 97% of them were from some sort of anime or manga.

"A city as big as this needs lesser villains surrounding it!" he hooted in the air. With a wave of his snooty hands and a blink of his eyes, Khairephon… gee, that's a tough name to spell! Kirikia, we all loved your story, but couldn't you give your evil characters easier names? I mean, jeez… my computer can only take so many errors, and then it crashes! Give me a break!

Anyway, Khaireph… "_Bob_"… was ready to spill his evil evilness across the world, and maybe around it, above it, and through it too! He summoned all the lesser monsters under his control, and asked them very nicely to please turn the city into a festering dump of goop--in those very words.

"Goopy doopy!" he declared. "Make the goopy doopy poopy!!!" The monsters all looked at him as if he had suddenly gotten even crazier--which was quite hard to do, I reckon--but obeyed his dumb order anyway. Khaire--"_Bob_"-- jumped up and down in glee, clapping his hands and smiling and muttering something about crumpets and things that rhymed with goop.

And so his evil cronies spread across Okinawa, and did many bad and nasty things, and there was much rejoicing.

"Yay!"

But Rei wasn't rejoicing!

One day, Rei was walking home from her stupid job at the stupid fast food place, with her very good friend Sir Rodrigo Delavar Conquistador Whatever-the-rest-of-his-name-was-that-she-called him, and was in a pretty happy mood, considering that she just went through some serious angst in the first paragraph of this chapter. She was happy and gay now--well, _you_ know what I mean--and even had her elbow linked up with Sir Rodney Dangerfield von Elmo St. Fire de la George Bush Hatfield Whatever XI. Tsubasa, as all the SANE people called him, loved to spend time with the chipper/angsty/bizarre girl, but he knew he could never score.

"Oh, by the way, I'm attracted to another girl," she had mentioned spontaneously one lazy day, as her hand dug into a bag of potato chips. The poor guy almost literally fell over, had a heart attack, won the lottery, and counted to three at the exact same time upon hearing the news, and his face turned pale as he learned that he was living with a les--erm, with a girl whose orientation in the field of sexual preference differed than his own. Stupid political correctness movement!!!

But he was okay with it, eventually, since Rei was forever busy watching Tom & Jerry and not the Oxygen Channel. He was even invited to watch it with her, though sometimes she laughed a little _too_ loud at some of the slapstick humor, especially those that were not necessarily designed to be funny. Yes, Rei was a silly girl, not quite right in the head, but at least she wasn't some dominatrix Feminazi.

(oops, too late)

Anyway… (I must chuckle as I consider how many aneurisms Kirika must be having at this point. Please tell me, dear authoress! I will apologize for them all!) With Tsubasa as her good buddy, and a job that supported her, Rei supposed that she could not get much happier, unless Usagi was there with her or else she was eating a quesadilla. But without any good Mexican restaurants in sight, she was forced to settle for pizza and her endless supply of cartoons.

But on some nights, Rei escaped the tedium of her home and magically transformed into that vixen vigilante of vlames--_flames_, sorry--that vixen vigilante, Sailor Mars! And it was a good thing she could, too, because Khair--"_Bob_"--had sent plenty of evil nasty ugly monsters for her to beat up!

And here is where our story begins.

…Well, actually, it really sort of began at the first chapter, but I meant that this is where the main story of this particular chapter begins. See, everything begins in the first chapter, even if the remainder of the story is a flashback, and--

__

THWACK!!!

__

UGGHHN!!

…Right!!

Anyway, the story begins with Rei and Tsubasa merrily hooking up their elbows and walking towards their apartment complex, as they always did. And as always, they were tailed by brand-new character Sanjuro, who came out of nowhere so he could sneak a few photos of the vlaming vixen of vire, Vailor Vars (YOU know what I mean!) With Sanjuro on their tails (which they tried to dispose of, but could not, since their tails were very hard to remove from their bodies), Rei and Tsubasa made their way to their apartment complex and smiled merrily as they wished each other good night. He was such a good buddy to Rei!

Once inside, Rei blew out a sigh, flipped on the TV, and found nothing but infomercials. Sad that Tom & Jerry was not on, she turned the TV off and decided to go look at some new invention that the people were calling a "book", which was sort of like a manga except that it was longer and didn't usually have pictures. Rei had just settled down with her "book" on her "chair", and was just about to "read" when the "doorbell" suddenly "rang".

"I wonder who that could be," she said. "And I wonder why all those words were in quotation! Oh well!" She "shrugged", and "got" up to "see" who was "at" the door. On the other side, a gargoyle creature with purple skin and long horns stood, crossing its arms and peeking at a piece of paper.

"Uhh, sorry to bother you, but is this 36B?" it asked.

"No, 36B is down the hall and to the right," replied Rei. "This is 37D."

"Oh, right. Sorry to bother you."

"No problem!" exclaimed Rei as she wished the demonic creature good luck. Five minutes passed (once "she" got back on "her" couch and read her "book"), and the door rumbled again under the sound of knocking. Rei growled out in annoyance but answered it anyway. To her complete lack of surprise, it was the same gargoyle demon again.

"Uh, yeah, uh, hi, it's me again," he said meekly. "Listen, uh, I think I read this paper wrong. See, my evil master told me to go to this one address and slaughter the people there, but the person who lived in 36B was an old lady, and I don't think he wanted me to fight old ladies."

"Oh, that was Mrs. Harimotso," said Rei wearily, with a knowing sound in her voice. "She's _crazy_!! Yeah, you don't wanna fight her. But who were you looking for, for real?"

"Turns out I was looking for 37D!" exclaimed the demon with a friendly smile. Rei returned it and nodded her head.

"Oh yeah, that's this place! Come in, won't you?"

"Thank you, ma'am." The demon smiled and came inside, and sat down as Rei prepared some tea for it. A long time passed, with little more to say about it than a certain dark-haired priestess brewing a warm drink, and a patient demon twiddling his thumbs. Eventually, though, a realization came to him.

"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!!!!!"

"Whoops!" exclaimed Rei. She freaked out and jumped in the air out of surprise as the gargoyle monster bolted out of his chair. He pointed his finger at her and let out a small growl.

"That was mean! You were trying to trick me!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yuh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yuh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yuh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yuh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yuh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yuh-huh!"

A pause.

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yuh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yuh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yuh-huh!"

"I tricked you and that's final!" spat Rei. The demon growled and almost lurched at her.

"No you DIDN'T!!! Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some business to attend to!!" And with that, the monster stormed out of the apartment, and excused himself all the way down to the lowest floor. Rei chuckled secretly once the incredibly dumb beast was away, but turned serious once she remembered her tea.

"Oh! Gosh! I forgot!" Since she no longer had a demon for a guest, she figured that it would be best to make tea for herself. A calm, cool period of relaxation passed for her, and she wondered what sort of trouble she would be getting into the next day.

Suddenly, Rei could hear a tinny voice coming from just outside the apartment complex:

"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!!!!!"

"Here we go again," she sighed.

--------------------

Rei spent many days thereafter spanking many monsters into subjugation. ……No, not like THAT, you perverts! She spanked them with her flames of justice, righteousness, and love! Yes! Rei was a good little pyromaniac, yes she was! Yes she was!! She killed a lot of demons, yes she did! Yes she did! (ahem) Anyway, Rei spent many days slaying all the monsters that "Bob" had unleashed upon the world. She saved many lived, and ate French fries when there was nothing else to do (she stole them from work).

Eventually, though, the warrior of flames began to wonder where all those beasts were coming from. I mean, this wasn't the kind of anime where monsters just fell from the sky! That was like… off of Inuyasha or… Evangelion or… Hamtaro, or something! No, these monsters were _made_, and Rei was determined to find out where all the monsters were coming from. She actually began to set some serious moments aside (like, 2 minutes a day) in her pursuit of the truth.

Sometimes, she would be accompanied by her buddies--but not as per request. They came "out of their own free will". Tsubasa kept the really stupid monsters busy by making them play the old "which hand is the coin in" game, and this was surprisingly successful. Sanjuro, the annoying photographer that began following her around, started to act all Peter Parker-like and shot photos of Sailor Mars whenever he could, and used the beautiful woman's image to "stimulate" himself in times of "creative emptiness". …Oh, don't give me that look! It was a perfectly natural thing to do!

Anyway, Rei continued to slaughter monsters by the bushel, and was at least glad that they didn't leave an icky mess for her to clean up afterwards (that was Sanjuro's job). After a long day, she was usually tired from fighting and stealing French fries, and invading into men's "creative dreams", so she would usually crash somewhere and sleep.

No, I'm not making a joke about that. Poor girl was just tired, that's it.

But soon, she reasoned, she would have to find out where all those creatures were coming from. Once she found that out, Rei would destroy the place and kill the demon responsible, and would never stop until she had peace. After all, the girl had valuable cartoons to watch.

__

Next Episode: Rei kills things!!! Yippee!


	4. Rei Kills Things

Chapter Four: Rei Kills Things

Rei had no idea where to look for the evil hideout, but she had a few pretty good theories. She had searched the city in her spare time, but came up with very little except for all the places that the bad guys were NOT hiding. She was as persistent as she was pretty, and equally tenacious, and since she was too lazy to get back on the train and go back home, she really had nothing better to do than to extinguish the monster threat around Okinawa. She took some comfort that it had not been Disneyland she was defending instead, although it did seem like a good idea to have a few of the malicious monsters attack Pinocchio.

One merry olde day--

__

THWACK!!!

…One rather ordinary day (sorry), Rei was skipping along merrily, minding her own business, with her buddy Tsubasa and her "he's not quite a buddy but he hangs around anyway and no matter how many times I threaten him he won't go away" buddy Sanjuro following suit. It was bright and sunny in Okinawa, obviously not the kind of weather to be going out and killing bad guys, and they were all making the most of the day's beauty as they skipped merrily.

Suddenly, a _twanging_ sound could be heard, and as Rei looked behind her to see what it had been, she saw Sanjuro with a suction-tipped arrow stuck squarely on his forehead.

"Message for you, Rei!" he announced before falling over on the ground. Rei and Tsubasa ran over to him, desperately trying to revive the poor pathetic fool, while at the same time, trying to interpret the letter that had been tied to the arrow.

"A message!" exclaimed Rei. "A message from a person who must be in some sort of belligerent danger! What's it say?"

"It's a part of the original document to this story!" replied Tsubasa. "And it's from Kirika herself! She says that the evil monster known as Khaipheron, also known as 'Bob', is hiding out in the old warehouse, just south of here!"

"The warehouse!!" exclaimed Rei in an excited voice. "So _that's_ where he's been all this time! Thank you, Lady Kirika, and thank you, brave Sanjuro! You shall not have been killed in vain!"

"I'm not dead, Rei," groaned Sanjuro as he sat up. Rei gazed at him in slight confusion.

"Oh. Well, you shall not have been embarrassed by receiving the injury of a minor suction-cup burn in vain!"

"I actually think I can stand up now…"

"No, stay down, brave sweet man!" she insisted. "I shall go and avenge your extremely minor injury with wrath and power in my own particular…………" Stuck on words, Rei paused in humiliation and tried to think of what she was searching for.

"Idiom, Rei?" suggested Tsubasa.

"Idiom!!" she exclaimed. She gave Sanjuro a farewell slap on the shoulder, and ran screaming away into the distance, to avenge his grievous suction-cup wound. Sanjuro sighed, pulled the arrow out of his forehead, and gingerly rubbed the circular spot that had been formed there.

"Do you think she's sane anymore?" he asked. Tsubasa shrugged, and since it didn't look like it was going to be a very eventful day, he sighed and relaxed on the grassy ground.

----------

Meanwhile, the lair of the evil villain was bursting with activity. Hundreds of cronies, toadies, underlings, sidekicks, goons, subordinates, button-men, and general lackeys were milling around the warehouse, transporting things and drawing plans and marching to and fro, and basically making the place look all the more foreboding. The sounds of screaming could be heard in the dank pit of evil, and a symphony of terror filled the day air. Two guards stood watch at the entrance, and greeted their comrades with a nod as they traveled between the outside world and the warehouse.

But somewhere in the distance, the guards could see a young woman running towards them. She was dressed as a Sailor Senshi, with an eternally-short skirt and a skintight outfit that showed off every voluptuous bend and curve on the body. Her suit was a red one, and her black hair flapped in the air as she sprinted towards them. The drums of war sounded off as she got closer and closer still.

The guards remained vigilant, and one of them slowly munched on a sandwich.

The young girl continued running towards them, with the drums of war still beating…

The guards remained vigilant, and one of them slowly munched on a sandwich.

The young girl continued running towards them, with the drums of war still beating…

The guards remained vigilant, and one of them slowly munched on a sandwich.

The young girl continued running towards them, with the drums of war still beating…

The guards remained vigilant, and one of them slowly munched on a sandwich.

The young girl continued running towards them, with the drums of war still beating…

The guards remained vigilant, and one of them slowly munched on a sandwich.

The young girl continued running towards them, with the drums of war still beating…

The guards remained vigilant, and one of them slowly munched on a sandwich.

The young girl continued running towards them, with the drums of war still beating…

The guards remained vigilant, and one of them slowly munched on a sandwich.

The young girl continued running towards them, with the drums of war still beating…

The guards remained vigilant--

"Ha HAAA!!!" Sailor Mars suddenly struck down one of the guards with a maniacal laugh, and dashed off into the warehouse, leaving the other one in her wake.

"…Hey…!" he called out to her, but by that time, she was long gone. Inside the warehouse, Sailor Mars went ballistic and began attacking absolutely everything she saw. She dove into a thick group of guards and rammed her flaming sword in their bellies, and spun around to slash at the patrolmen that had been milling around the area. She sliced through another guard, spilling his blood all over, and rammed her sword through three unsuspecting safety inspectors like they were shish-kabob.

All the while she executed and slaughtered the hundreds of lackeys, Sailor Mars laughed and screamed and cackled madly. More and more bodies piled up, and soon it became effortless to butcher them all. Her sword would swing and would claim a few necks, and a simple kick overturned even the mightiest of columns and platforms. She killed three guards just by swatting at them, and slapped away a few more into the nether regions as she made her way further and further into the dark bowels of the warehouse.

Rei cut open bellies, spilled intestines, and flooded the area with blood as she screamed and laughed her way up to the very top of the warehouse. On her way, she threw off several guards that were standing around uselessly, and for good measure, she attacked a wall clock that had been hung. Finally, after shoving many of the guards to their deaths on the floor below, she plowed through the door that she assumed led to Khaipheron's office, and aimed her flaming sword at the first thing she saw.

"On behalf of Mars, I have come to slay--Oh, I'm terribly sorry, I must be in the wrong evil hideout!" Mars' face turned red as she saw a short bald man with a scar over his face watching over the execution of another man. The scarred man had a white cat in his arms, and seemed delighted in watching the exceptionally slow death-machine come ever closer to killing the intruder. However, once Rei entered the room, all activity ceased.

"Oh, so that's what all that commotion was about outside!" he exclaimed. "My dear, I'm afraid to say that you have wiped out nearly all of my army. Do you know how much hired thugs cost these days?"

"…I'm sorry," pouted Rei sadly, "but you see, every time a battle starts, I just lose control. I could've sworn that this was the right warehouse, though!"

"Right warehouse?" said the bald man. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, I've been looking for this guy named Khaipheron for a long time now, and I got a message saying that this was the place. But I guess it wasn't." The bald man hummed in thought and began to stroke his cat. Suddenly, the man that was tied up to the death machine shouted out to his captors.

"Do you expect me to talk, Blowfeld?"

"Hush!" The bald man smiled at Rei, and put his arm around her shoulder so he could explain things a bit. "Listen, young lady, you want the warehouse that's right next _door_ to this one! It's a few steps down to your right, can't miss it."

"I guess I already did though," murmured Rei sheepishly. "And I'm really sorry about your men."

"Oh, it's perfectly all right!" he assured her. He led her out of the room and back into the main warehouse, but the secret agent hooked up to the death machine just had to put his two cent's in.

"You'll never get away with this, Blowfeld!"

"Oh, be quiet, you!!"

The scarred man kindly led Sailor Mars outside, where she was greeted by dozens of grieving and wailing guards, and the horrible stink of blood and carved-up human carcasses. Rei and the other man were engaged in light conversation as they walked outside, when suddenly, one of the workers noticed the girl.

"There she is!!!" Rei paled, and muttered out a curse as the men clamored up the stairs.

"Oh, bloody crap…" Sailor Mars went ballistic and began attacking absolutely everything she saw. She dove into a thick group of guards and rammed her flaming sword in their bellies, and spun around to slash at the patrolmen that had been milling around the area. She sliced through--

"Stop, stop, stop, stop!!!!" screamed the bald man, halting the violent action and pulling Mars aside. As the guards calmed down, she grunted out several apologies.

"Sorry, sorry, sorry!! You see what I mean?!" The bald man nodded and assured her that all was well.

"Don't worry about it, dear, they're just extras." He then called out to his men, saying, "It's all right! It's just another one of those superheroes that got lost! She was supposed to go to the OTHER warehouse!"

"OH!!!!" shouted a loud chorus of clarified people. They broke out in laughter, every one of them, and Rei smiled in relief.

"Thanks, Mister! I'd better go before the _real_ bad guy decided to do something nasty!" The bald man smiled and bade her away with his blessings.

"I see. I too have secret agents to kill, worlds to conquer, and escapes to resort to. But good luck to you, Sailor Mars! Have fun storming the castle!"

"But I thought it was a warehouse!" she exclaimed. The bald man paused stiffly.

"…Right. What'd I say?"

----------

Sailor Mars broke into the RIGHT warehouse this time! She knew it had been the right warehouse, since she was currently killing and slaying demons and devils and youma instead of normal everyday human beings. She went insane and slaughtered them all as usual, creating more blood and gore and guts and ooze and all that other delicious stuff. Finally, she plowed through the corpses and bodies, and made her way to the lair of Bob.

Bob (since Khaipheron is so darned hard to spell) awaited her with an evil grin on his face. He then took the grin off and put on a snarl, and stood up to challenge the single puny (but hot) human woman that had dared defile his lair with her essence.

"I believe that you shall be in for a very nasty death, my young lady!" he hooted, as he usually did. Sailor Mars groaned out wearily, and since she didn't want to have a long drawn-out fight with the monster, and since I was too lazy and uncreative to really put forth the effort into making a fight scene, I'll just say that she threw a fireball into his forehead.

"Ouch," he said. But Bob was unfortunately stronger than that, so I had to ignore my laziness for the time being and really work at finishing off this beast of a beast. Therefore, Sailor Mars ran up a flight of stairs that led to the upper level of the warehouse, guiding Bob along with her. The snooty creature bounded off after her, and drew forth a rapier for which he was surely going to hurt her with!

"And now with mine sword and mine scabbard, I shalt kill the unto death!"

"Kill me unto _death_?!" balked Rei. "Oh, brother! What kind of a stupid excuse for a villain are you, anyway?!"

"Silence, foolish mortal!!" screamed Bob. "I'll have you know that I am a master of the blade, whereas you are merely defenseless against my attacks! Ho ho ho ho hooo!!!"

"Oh, SHADDAP!!!" Sailor Mars gave Bob a kick to the chin, exposing almost all of her leg to the fan boys (and fan girls) that were doubtless fantasizing about her at that very moment. A spurt of blood came out of Bob's mouth as his chin was knocked loose, and he tumbled backwards with a growl.

"Grr!"

"Oh no!" Eager to avenge his injury, Bob charged forth with his useless rapier, and would have certainly skewered poor Rei had she not stepped to the side at the very last minute, like a matador weaving around a charging _toro_. Bob's momentum was suddenly turned against him, and as Rei bumped back into him, she forced him to fall from the rafters above, and sent him screaming towards a very large fan that had been placed on the floor below just for that particular battle scene. Bob fell into the fan's blades, and was instantly destroyed in a delicious and violently spectacular death scene.

Sailor Mars took a sigh of relief, though she really didn't need it since the battle was an insult to her abilities, and decided that it would be best to get out of the warehouse before it exploded on her. Evil hideouts usually had a way of blowing up in spectacular explosions once their owner was annihilated, no matter how unreasonable it was.

One down, three to go.


	5. Get Back to Where You Once Belonged

Chapter Five: Get Back to Where You Once Belonged

That night, Rei Hino slept quietly but uncomfortably. She had a strange dream where she was in her uncle's house in the country, and she was going downstairs for some reason or another, but found Usagi down there playing mindlessly with some action figures. She had no idea what the dream meant, other than that it was time to change the carbon monoxide detector in the room, and woke up soon after the dream ended. It was 2:42 a.m., and Rei was a mess.

"Ughn… weird dream…" she murmured to herself. It was painful to keep her eyes open at first, and they burned slightly as she laid there in her bed. Around 2:46, when her eyes softened to the point of being able to look again, Rei Hino had yet another bizarre dream, but this one happened while she was still awake. From out of the darkness in her room, a ghastly image of a specter appeared, wailing and waving its ghostly arms in the air.

"_Ebenezer Scrooge… Ebenezer Scrooooge!!_"

"Wh… who are you? W-what do you want?" asked Rei as she sat up in bed. The ghost wailed again as it floated closer to her.

"_Don't yooooou recognize meeeee?_"

__

"…Should I?"

__

"I'm your old paaartnerrr, Jacob Maaaarley!" wailed the ghost. Rei shook her head.

"Nope, doesn't ring a bell."

"_Awww, come on!!_" Rei's violet eyes burned at the ghost, glaring at it angrily for disturbing her sleep.

"Listen, I've had a really rough day, and I haven't been sleeping well, either! Why did you come to me, you stupid spirit?" The ghost wailed again and shook its hands in the air.

"_Tonight, yooou will be visited by THREE spirits!!_"

"…But you're only holding up two fingers," she observed.

"_But that's all I have!_"

"What about your other hand?" she asked. The ghost held up two fingers on its other hand.

"_That's it for this hand as well!_"

"Oh. Well, hold up one finger on one hand, and two fingers on the other hand!" The ghost did so, and Rei smiled. "There, that's right!"

"_Where was I? Ah, yes! Tonight, yooou will be visited by THREE spirits!_"

"Umm… why?" A pause.

"_Uh… I… doooon't knooow! Farewell, Ebenezer! Fareweeellll…_"

"Wait, hold on!" shouted Rei angrily. "I'm not Ebenezer Scrooge, I'm Rei Hino! You've got the wrong person, Mr. Ghost!"

"_Whoops, sooooorry about thaaaat, kid…! But I think I have a message for you anywaaaaaay!_"

"Oh, really?" she asked, sounding interested. The ghost nodded its head.

"_Yeeeeees! You seeeee, Miss Hinoooo, your friends back in Tokyoooo are saaaaaaaaad!!! They miss yoooou! They all think that you're dead, just like meeeeeeee!_"

"Really?" squealed Rei in disbelief. She sat still for awhile, and mulled over this new information quietly. She never realized that her selfish desires could have had such a negative impact on her other friends--she just assumed that they all would forget in time--but now that she knew this, there was a newly-burning desire in her heart to return to Tokyo. And besides, she still had a certain blonde angel to return to…

"_Yes, really!_" exclaimed the ghost. "_Listen, Rei: you should return to Tokyooooo! Your friends neeeeeeeeed yooooouu! Especially that young girl you love soooooooo much, Usagiiiiiii Tsukinooooooooo!_"

"Why are you talking like that?" she asked, exasperated. The ghost shrugged.

"_Sorry, I have to. I'm a GHOOOOOOOOOOOOOST!! Whooooo!!_"

"Well, you can shut up," she said bitterly. "And the sooner you let me sleep, the sooner I can wake up and get on that train! I've been gone from Tokyo for too long… and from Usagi… so I should just face up to my own selfishness and go back to where I belong."

"_Well, it seems that you understaaaaaaand!_" wailed the spirit. "_And now, it seems as if my time here has passed! Have a good night's sleep, Rei, and dreeeeeeam of the future! Fareweeeeell, for the final time! Aaaand maaaaaaaaaaaaaaay the Fooooooooooooorce beeeee with yoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuu, yooouuuuuuu, uhhhh, ohhhh, urrggh, what a world, what a world…!_" With that final wailing moan, the ghost vanished from the room forever, and was not seen ever again (unless you back up and read the chapter a second time). Rei sighed with relief, and snuggled back under the covers, and was able to sleep soundly for exactly 12 seconds.

----------

Rei breathed in a sigh of steamy relief as the train chugged to a stop. In her hands were her suitcases, a ticket to ride, and hopes for the future. She was ready to return to Tokyo, and face up to all the things she had avoided, but there was still one more matter that needed to be attended to in Okinawa. Smiling warmly but sadly, she released her luggage briefly and gazed at her good buddy and ex-coworker Tsubasa.

"Well, I guess I'll be leaving right about now…"

"…Yup," he said. Rei breathed in a lot of air, and released it again.

"…Yup," she said.

"Yup," he said. Sanjuro whined.

"Urgh, can somebody help me with these bags?!" Rei shot him a rather nasty look, one that would have knocked him off his feet if it had the power to.

"You be quiet!" she snapped. "Nobody likes you, you jerk!" Sanjuro ended up crying, and both Rei and Tsubasa laughed at his babyish antics. The train whistle called out, and the conductor shouted for all to come aboard, and Rei and Tsubasa sighed at each other again.

"Well, please take care of yourself," she said warmly.

"You too. But will we ever meet again?"

"Who knows?" she shrugged. "God willing, we'll all meet again in _Absence II: The Search for More Shoujo-Ai._ It's been a pleasure, Tsu." He shook hands with her and smiled, and slipped her his jacket as a fond keepsake of their time spent at Okinawa.

"Your jacket…! No, no, I can't accept this!"

"Take it," he advised her. "You just might need it. It can get cold in Tokyo, and I'm sure that if you don't need it, somebody you care for just might." She smiled at him again, and gave him a brief hug. Of Sanjuro, she gave him a smart kick in the ribs, and ordered him to take her luggage up in the train. He obeyed, poor dope, and Rei followed him inside. Once she was settled in, she violently pushed him out of the train, wherein he landed rather uncomfortably on the platform. Tsubasa smiled and waved at the train, and Rei stuck her head out so she could wave as well. The train slowly scooted out of the station with Rei protruding out, and waves going around, and poor Sanjuro rubbing his noggin, and so many goodbyes being said that it must have been a record.

Suddenly, Rei's outstretched head smacked up against the tunnel, knocking her backwards into the train with a painful blow. Both Tsubasa and Sanjuro grimaced terribly at the horrible injury, and screamed at each other for their shared incompetence.

"You moron!" yelled Sanjuro. "You should have brought our video camera! That one shot alone was worth $10,000 on America's Funniest Home Videos!"

"Sorr-_ry!_" snapped Tsubasa. "And anyway, I loaned my camera to Sakura and Tomoyo in the Crossover Department. God knows what they'd want with it, but since this is a shoujo-ai story, technically, one can only guess."

"Indeed," murmured Sanjuro. "It's a good thing that Kirika didn't do a Card Captor Sakura story!" He crossed his arms and snorted out some relief, but in the two seconds of silence, Tsubasa screamed as he realized what his companion had just said.

"SANJURO, YOU IDIOT! DON'T YOU _DARE_ GIVE HER ANY IDEAS!!!"

----------

Usagi Tsukino's face was contorted and twisted into horrible anguish and indescribable fear: tears streamed down her face, veins appeared on her neck and forehead, and her skin was cold and clammy from shock. Her fingers clutched onto a large knife so much that the knuckles had turned white, and her voice was whiny with fear. Desperately, she stumbled into the bathroom and locked the door as much as she could, but screamed once she found that there was no other way out. With her heart throbbing like a great bass drum, she held the knife shakily and waited on the other side of the door, refusing to go down without a fight.

The door suddenly shivered under some intense blow, and from the other side, the sound of chopping could be heard. Usagi screamed every time the door was slashed and hacked at, and slowly, chips and splinters were picked and torn off as the axe dug its way through. Again and again it pounded away at the door, like the footsteps of a giant, until a small hole had been made in the framework. From the opposite side of the door, a twisted and depraved face stared back at her, and leered as it screeched out its insanity.

"HEEEERE'S JOHNNY!!!" Usagi froze, but not in fear, and crossed her eyebrows as she recognized the face and voice.

"…Rei?"

"Hey, Meatball Head!" smiled Rei. "Did you miss me?" Usagi nearly screamed with joy, and unlocked the door so she could see Rei face-to-face. The shrine maiden was holding an axe for reasons unknown, but looked as innocent and blameless as the day she had been born. Usagi was overjoyed.

"Rei, you're back! And you're not dead!"

"I'm not?" she asked.

"NO! At least… I don't think you are…" Usagi stepped closer and gently poked the other lady, and smiled as she came in contact with flesh and not ectoplasmic material. "It IS you!" she exclaimed, and dove forward to give the once-dead woman a big Welcome Home Hug. Rei returned it happily (after releasing her axe, of course), and looked gently into the eyes of the woman she had loved and missed for all those days…

"HEY, what are you looking at?!" screeched the blonde. "This isn't a frickin' peep show!! Why don't you go grab a sandwich or something?!" Usagi hastily bolted towards the door, and slammed it shut so that she and Rei could have their privacy.

****

2B Continued!

…Well, what are you waiting for? The chapter's over. There's nothing else that's going to happen for awhile. Go away.


	6. The Evil Gathering

Chapter Six: The Evil Gathering

Somewhere deep in the darkest hole of the darkest street of the darkest city during the darkest night of the darkest month in the darkest year of mankind's existence on Earth, there was a sinister hovel of evil where countless wicked fiends gathered to plot the doom of the human race and the campaign to conquer the universe. Among all these dark, twisted monsters was the blackest and most wicked specter of them all, the Grand Leader of the evil forces, the dreaded Makareus.

"All hail Makareus, Grand Leader of the evil forces!" As the announcement caused hordes of demons to tremble, a gong was sounded and a dark light, thick and gruesome, fell upon the room. From out of the murky shadows stepped the horrible creature known as Makareus, and at the mere sight of him, every creature in the room shivered with fear.

"Makareus!" called out a demon. "Do not ask him to carry forgiveness! Makareus! Do not beg him to carry mercy! Makareus! Do not come to him to carry pity! Let's face it: he won't _ma' carry-us _anything!" A dark, shadowy light fell upon the wicked man, and as he glowered before his underlings, a smile of cruelty became painted on his lips.

"My fellow spawns of Hell…" he growled, "let it be known that my younger brother, Khairephon, also known as Bob, has been chopped up into little teeny-tiny bits by a certain unknown warrior who manipulates the flames! I have called you here, my dark legion of death, to exact vengeance against this depraved, sick, twisted soul that dares to challenge us! Come, my warriors of the nether-regions! Come, and gather together for the hour of darkness!!" Makareus suddenly slipped down a long slide, twirling and spinning until he landed on the level that his cronies were on.

"MUSICAL NUMBER!!!!!!!" And the music cued up!!

__

The evil bad guys (what a sin!)

The evil bad guys (to fit in!)

The evil bad guys, gonna take over Eaaaarrrrth!

We're nice and nasty (mean and cruel)

We'll kill ya fast-y (the world to rule!)

We're also sassy, and we're all pro-biiiiirrrrth!

We're evil bad guys, here to say,

We're gonna rule both night and day,

And if you don't like it, hey-hey-hey,

Then we'll see that you… will… paaaaaaaaaaay!!

*Makareus and his cronies start tap-dancing to the tune*

Makareus: Hey, look! It's Ray Charles, and he's playing a song on Iason's fingers!

Iason: MY NAME IS IASON!

Ray Charles: You know it's all good! *brief jazz piano riff, then dance continues*

*After the long dance, Makareus slides over to several trusted advisors*

Advisors: Hey, Makareus, whaddya say?

Makareus: I summoned up a portal to draw evil from my home, it's working very quickly, now we won't be left alone--now I know this sounds all hasty and you're working very hard, but let's not get too racy; here, have a birthday card! I'm mean and evil, nasty, cruel, and very disagreeable; but if you took the time to see I'm really quite unbeatable! I go down to the streets in search of bodies to possess… and if I do not get my way then Earth will be a mess!!

The evil bad guys (what a sin!)

The evil bad guys (to fit in!)

The evil bad guys, gonna take over Eaaaaaaarrrrth!

The evil bad guys (love to dance)

The evil bad guys (and romance)

The evil bad guys, ev-ry-sin-gle thiiiiiing!

Now listen you people we're about to siiiiiiiing!

*Several captured humans lament their imprisoned situation*

Human #1: I was in my home just yesterday feeding my little cat--when these evil guys came through the door and beat me with a bat! They dragged me to their lair and tortured me night and day, and said "If you don't obey us son you certainly will pay!" And then they threw me in a pit with lots of hungry dogs--it was terrible, I'm telling you, they bit off all my shloggs!

Human #2: My situation's diff'rent now, and this is how it went: I was minding my own business in my luxurious pent! I had no worries, had no cares, I did not even frown, but when these guys came through the door, my optimism drowned! I was beaten with an ugly stick and burned up like a light! And not a tube of Preparation H was in sight!

*Makareus and company have a few laughs torturing the humans they caught as the music plays on, especially a few who are in stocks and chains*

Makareus: Will you confess?

Humans: No-no, no-no!

Makareus: Will you convert?

Humans: No-no, no-no!

Makareus: Will you redress?

Humans: No-no, no-no!

Makareus: Will you revert?

Humans: No-no, no-no!

*Makareus and his men shrug and smile out giddily as they torture more*

*Afterwards, Makareus waltzes over to his advisors again*

Makareus: Hello, boys, did you kill anyone today?

Advisors: Not a one! Nay-nay-nay!

Makareus: We've been sending in demons and puttin' them in trances! What else can we do? Ah! CAN-CAN dances!!

*Makareus and his advisors suddenly burst out in a big can-can line*

Come down, join us! (We're all evil girls and boys!)

You'll belong to us! (It's not like you have a choice!)

It's real nice here! (We're anarchists and power-mad!)

It's the "in" thing! (To be really really bad!)

It's the greatest thing you see, to be evil is to be free, it's liberating don't you see, you don't even have to pay a fee! Criminals and demons are, the greatest allies by and far, it's wonderful just like a bar, where ev'ryone knows your name!

Come down, join us! (We're all evil girls and boys!)

You'll belong to us! (It's not like you have a choice!)

It's real nice here! (We're anarchists and power-mad!)

It's the "in" thing! (To be really really bad!)

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH…

We're--really evil bad guys--and we want to tell you--that the Earth will blow up into really little--pieces--and, there'll be nothing left--unless you join us--come on it isn't really bad!

*the can-can line continues for awhile and breaks and the "normal" song tune returns*

Whoa, the evil bad guys (oh what fun!)

The evil bad guys (to just run!)

The evil bad guys (the entire wooooooorrrrrld!!)

The evil bad guys (take it all!)

The evil bad guys (make it fall)

The evil bad guys (go ahead and huuuurrrrl!)

We're gonna conquer everything!

So open your mouth and start to sing!

You'll want us to leave but we'll just say… that

The evil bad guys are here, and they're here… to… staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!

*The villains all display one final grand pose, and the song ends*

Silence_._

"Well, I'll say one thing about it," sighed Laodameia. "It sure ain't Broadway!"


	7. Back to Abnormal

Chapter Seven: Back to Abnormal

Rei Hino was glad to be back home, and in the arms of her beloved Usagi. However, one small problem still stood in her way, and that was that Usagi did not _know_ that she was being loved by poor Rei. Also, Usage's "destined" boyfriend and lover, Mamoru, was currently _in_ the angelic arms that Rei Hino was "supposed" to be in, but currently, she was not. And now, with that revelation in her mind, Rei Hino decided… to DO something about the situation. Of course, upon her return, many of her friends were…… annoyed.

"You left us for your own (hic!) personal desires!" shouted Makoto. "You left (hic!) all of us to mourn and cry and be (hic!) real sad! Shame on you! Shame-shame, naughty (hic!) girl!"

"I soddy," sighed Rei. "Me be good girl next time."

"I hope there's not a next time," muttered Usagi. "I don't know how I'd handle Rei dying more than once!"

"Me too!" shrieked Minako. "Rei, you pighead! I've already collected the insurance money on your sorry carcass! How do you expect me to explain to the insurance people that you're suddenly back to life!?"

"…Whoa, hold on a second!" shrieked the priestess. She gave Minako an understandably hot glare, and screeched, "You had a _life insurance_ policy on me?? And you _already cashed it in??!!_ Minako Aino, that's SICK!!!!!!!"

"But, what do you expect from Mina?" sighed Ami wearily. She gave a thin and watery smile (funny how the girls always seemed to utilize their latent abilities the best), and tried to look cheerful. "But at least one good thing came of your…… well, dare I say it?"

"Say what?" asked Rei. Ami blushed and blurted it out.

"Your…… _Absence?_"

"Oh, brother…" Many eyes rolled upon that very hour; Ami's tried to hide behind a weak smile.

"Yes, well, your… _Absence_ did have one positive effect. We've all learned that our lives are a bit more precious and blah blah blah, and we shouldn't take things for granted, etc. etc., and we've all missed you and wished we could say we loved you, yada yada, and your loss made two of us realize our own love for each other."

"Your own love?" mimed Rei. "What do you mean, girl whose hair is blue and not black like mine, but you're cute anyway?" A pause. Ami cleared her throat and put her arm around the still-angered Makoto.

"Well," she said timidly, "Mako and I… well, we… we realized that we loved each other."

"We really don't! (hic!) Not like that!!" spat Makoto suddenly. "We're not attracted (hic!) to each other, honest! It's all (hic!) Kirika's fault, and those blankety-blank shoujo-ai (hic!) fans, and all those stupid perverted (hic!) Sailor Moon fan boys! It's all their fault for trying to (hic!) hook poor Ami up with me!!"

"…_Whaaaat?_" By now, everyone was confused, including the Sailor Senshi that were nowhere near the vicinity. When I say "everyone", I even mean Tomoyo and Sakura, who had Tsubasa's video camera at the time, as well as Tim the Enchanter, the old man from scene 24, the ex-leper, Makareus and his crew, and all the chopped-up pieces of Bob. Only God Almighty was not confused…

GOD: _HEY THERE, HOW'RE YOU ALL DOING?_

…But only because God cannot be confused. So, other than that, nobody had any idea what was going on, and since I've been rambling so long, neither do I! (I spare a glance backwards and recall them talking about the rumors of Makoto's and Ami's love relationship with each other, which they declared completely false)

"We're not in love with each other!" insisted Ami once I got myself back on track. "We're just friends! Jeez! Get that through your sick stupid skulls!"

"I don't know WHY (hic!) Kirika did that to us!!" wailed Makoto helplessly, tears gushing out of her eyes a'la Usagi. "It's Ken I'm (hic!) attracted to! …Or, as the Japanese know, Shinozaki. I mean, COME (hic!) ON!! Any true Sailor Jupiter fan would KNOW that we're just (hic!) right for each other! What's with all this yuri Ami/Makoto love (hic!) crap?!?!"

"And I'm attracted to Greg!" insisted poor Ami. "Or, as the Japanese know him as…… as… uh… well, Al Kristopher didn't have that much information!"

What? What are you looking at? I didn't.

"I'll bet Kirika did," noted Minako. Ami frowned darkly, obviously thinking otherwise.

"I'll bet she _didn't!_ Listen, lady--and all you sick shoujo-ai fans--I love Greg and Makoto loves Ken/Shinozaki! It's always been like that! We're not attracted to each other! You hear? NOT ATTRACTED TO EACH OTHER!!!"

"It's so terrible (hic!) the way those rumors fly!" wailed poor Makoto once again. "Waaaaaaaaa (hic!) aaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!" She bawled out viciously, and Ami bawled as well, and together, the two lovely Senshi cried on each other's shoulders, nearly drowning the whole room with their tears. Minako, Rei, and Usagi each found themselves with a huge drop of sweat on their heads, and wished that they had brought scuba gear for the waterworks. But the crying session ended… _eventually_… and both Makoto and Ami sniffled and snorted their tears away.

As they withdrew from their hug, their beautiful eyes met. They smiled at each other, bleary-eyed and shaken, and their cheeks turned rosy as they held each other in their arms, and a beautiful light shined in through a window, and harps played and flowers blossomed, and they leaned closer together and…

"WHOA, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!!!!" screamed Minako suddenly. She grinned sheepishly and parted the two weird but loveable girls, and tried to laugh the situation away. "Okay, ladies! I think you both need to spend a little more time outdoors!"

"Agreed," sighed Usagi. "Anyway, uh, what were we talking about before all this?" Nobody seemed to have an answer, so everyone shrugged and went about their business.

"Bye guys!" waved Makoto as she and the others left. "We'll see you (hic!) later!"

"Oh, get a glass of water!"

Rei, unfortunately the only one among them who was attracted to another member of the Senshi team--for the time being--sighed wearily and sat across from Usagi, the woman she had pined for ever since chapter two or three--nobody could tell for certain.

"Oh, right!!" blurted Usagi suddenly. She smiled sheepishly, winked, and gave her best friend a hug. "Welcome back to Tokyo, Rei! We missed you and we hope that you never leave us again!" Rei smiled warmly from the welcome embrace, and poured as much of her love into the hug as she possibly could.

"Mhhnn… thank you, Odango-atama."

"Eh? What'd you call me?" A pause.

"………I have _no_ idea…"

----------

One day passed, and in that day, Rei finally remembered that bad guy she had fought in Okinawa. His name was "Bob", if she remembered correctly, and he had been a rather nasty wimp. He was currently serving as bait for fishes over in the Florida Everglades, but there were most likely other evils out there, some even worser than Bob had been! Oh no!

"Oh no!" exclaimed Rei. "I gotta call a Sailor meeting!" Instantly, all 11,042 Sailor Senshi whisked themselves into Rei's room, until it became so cramped that the whole house exploded from their combined presence. The walls crumbled and fell, killing Chibi-Usa instantly.

"Oh my god, they killed Chibi-Usa!" screamed Usagi. "You monsters!"

"I call this meeting to order!" stated Rei, ignoring the lifeless remains of the girl we all wanted to see die a very ignoble death--or just a death, period. "Now," she resumed, "when I was in Okinawa--"

"So THAT'S where you were all this time!" pointed Minako dramatically. A clap of thunder shook the heavens.

__

Bum-bum-bummm!!!

"……What was that?" murmured Hotaru. Rei shrugged.

"Yes. Well, anyway, I'll admit that I was in Okinawa for the past… two or three chapters. But I thought it was Disneyland! Honest!"

"_Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure _you did, Rei!"

"I did!!!!"

"Pipe down, girls" muttered Setsuna calmly. She turned to Rei and raised a commanding hand. "Now, are you going to résumé your conversation, or are we going to get nasty?"

"OOOH, ooh! I know the answer to this one!!!" shouted Minako, hurtling her hand in the air like she was in a game show. Setsuna stared at the hyper girl, her eye twitching nervously, and pointed her finger at her.

"Yes?"

"It's the second one! Get nasty! Get nasty!"

__

GLOMP!!!

"Some other time!" chuckled Rei weakly as she pounced on poor Minako. The smushed blonde mumbled something helplessly, but nobody heard it since Rei's elbow was currently in the girl's mouth (no ecchi thoughts, now). "Anyway," she said, "where was I?" All eyes turned to Al Kristopher (me), and he once again scrolled up to see where the ladies had left off. Sigh.

__

"Now," she resumed, "when I was in Okinawa--"

"Oh yeah!" exclaimed Rei. "I was about to tell you all about the evil bad guy that I fought in Okinawa, except that **_SOMEBODY_** interrupted me--MINA!!!"

"Sowwy!"

"Whatever. Anyway, I fought a bad guy in Okinawa!"

A pause.

"So?"

"There's bound to be more where that one came from!"

"That is _such_ an (hic!) overused line," sighed Makoto. Rei smiled and shrugged.

"Anyway, I have a feeling that there'll be more, so we should go out and hunt them all down."

"Yippee!" squealed Setsuna. Rei nodded her head, and produced a copy of the original document to this story for her friends to follow. She clearly stated that "Bob" was now fish bait, but Laodameia, her female lover Aiaia, old man Thrinake, Lazarus the redneck hillbilly, Iason--

Iason: HELLO, MY NAME IS IASON!

--and Makareus were left over. Minako shuddered as she read further into the script, where (spoiler) Laodameia had her imprisoned, and made her do really kinky things, but Rei promised that since all this was a parody, things would go different!

"Whew!" whistled a relieved blonde. "Boy, am I glad that won't happen! That was just too bizarre for my own good!"

End spoiler.

…Not really. Tee hee hee!

"So first we kill Laodameia and her female lover Aiaia, who can use the mighty belch of impending doom."

"Pshaw, amateurs!" snorted Chibi-Usa, who had suddenly come back to life. "I don't know what this woman _thinks_ she can do, but _nobody_ can do the mighty belch of impending doom like me!"

"It's true," muttered Usagi, "all of it."

"PROVE IT!"

"Shut yer pie hole!"

"Anyway, we should kill the Lao-lady first," concluded Rei. "We'll go just as soon as the noises in Haruka and Michiru's room have stopped."

"Noises?" parroted a confused Minako. "What do you mean, silly Rei?"

"I mean……… _noises_."

"Oh. Like, are they playing music, or watching TV, or talking?"

"No, noises! Really… _weird_ noises! Things that don't usually come from a room, especially if the _door is open!_"

"Oh, noises!" she squealed. "You mean like a jackhammer!"

"Or a dirt bike!"

"How about a singing fish?" suggested Usagi. Veins the size of baseballs appeared on Rei's poor brow.

"_No, not like that!_" she growled through clenched teeth. "I mean… oh, never mind! Let's just wait and watch cartoons until then!"

And that is exactly what they did.

Meanwhile, at the door of Haruka and Michiru's room, Hotaru pressed her ear to the frame and strained to pick up any of the unusual "noises" that Rei had talked about. At first, she heard nothing, but then, strange sounds perked up…

First, the sound of the bed creaking over and over…

Second, soft grunts and groans…

Third, a small voice: "Don't stop, Haruka! Oh! Please don't stop!"

Fourth, another voice: "I'm winning! I'm winning! I'm gonna beat you, little girl!"

"Oh no you're not, my pretty!" More grunting. A dirty word escaped one of their mouths. Then,

"Harder! Harder! Yes! Yes! Thadda way! That's the way, baby! C'mon, c'mon, c'mon!"

"Oh, who's your daddy?! Who's your daddy!"

"Haruka, please… stop… don't… bounce… so much!"

"YEAH, BABY!!"

"Hotaru!!" Hotaru nearly jerked herself out of her skin as Chibi-Usa snuck up on her and screeched out her name. The poor girl's pulse thumped terribly for awhile, and as she turned to give her friend a smile, beads of sweat were on her red face.

"Y… yes?"

"We're going to have lunch now, okay?"

"Oh… okay…" Probably scarred for life from what she had heard, Hotaru slowly stumbled away from the door, her entire body shivering like she was ready to throw up. She learned her lesson, though, and from that day forward, she never eavesdropped again.

In Haruka and Michiru's room, the tall blonde smiled lustfully at her "friend".

"Another?" she whispered. Michiru, her face flushed from the previous violent activity, weakly nodded her head.

"Yes…" she breathed. "I can… go… for a few more…"

"Good girl…" whispered Haruka slyly. The gorgeous blond woman winked at her "friend", slipped out of the bed, and started a brand new game of Gran Turismo 3. She would not be going so easy _this_ time around!

(Well, what were you expecting?? Pervert.)


	8. Sudden Script Changes!

Chapter Eight: Sudden Script Changes!

"Wait a second!" exclaimed Minako suddenly. She rushed towards Rei, frantically wielding what appeared to be a thick folder full of papers. She slapped them into the woman's lap and gave her an intent stare. "Have a look at that and tell me something's not wrong in here!"

"What are you talking about, Minako?" sighed Rei wearily. "Listen, I just got settled into my home, and I'm not in the mood to look at anything weird."

"Have a look anyway!" insisted the blonde as she shuffled the papers. "There's something wrong here!" Rei shrugged, and flipped through the papers. She had no idea what she was looking for at first, but after leafing through several sections, she realized that the booklet was actually a script--the script of "Absence", the original story. Rei raised a black eyebrow as she read through the pages, and got to the point where the authoress had the heroine (which was Rei herself) return to Tokyo, which was where she was at that point. Suddenly, as she read across the lines, she discovered what her ditzy comrade had been talking about.

"I see what you mean!" she exclaimed. "It says here that when I returned to Tokyo, you and Mamoru were being held captive by Laodameia, that dominatrix snake-woman with a penchant for the color pink! But if that's true, then why haven't you been caught yet? This story is a parody of that other one, right?"

"Yeah."

"So why are you and cape-boy still here?"

"I have no idea," said Mamoru suddenly, appearing out of nowhere. Rei shrieked and nearly jumped out of her skin, and glared at the poor guy for sneaking up on her.

"AAHH! How dare you! Don't ever sneak up on me again, Mamoru!"

"Me sowwy!" Rei blew out a fierce sigh of anger and focused her eyes back to Minako.

"So… if you two are supposed to be captured, then why are you here?"

"Isn't it obvious?" asked Usagi, who also appeared out of nowhere. "Al Kristopher forgot about that whole thing! He knew that Mina and Mamo were going to get caught sometime, but he forgot when that was!"

I'm sorry for that, but luckily, Kirika was nice enough to remind me J 

"Now he's aware of his mistake…" muttered Makoto, who also _also_ came out of nowhere! Whew! Where are all these girls coming from?

"You don't want to know," muttered Ami, who also _also also_ came out of nowhere!

"Anyway," said Minako, "I don't know why we're here. But if the author realizes that we shouldn't be there, then something must be done, or else the story will be completely screwed up!"

"(It's _years_ too late for that,)" muttered Makoto.

"What do you think we should do?" asked Rei. Usagi piped up with a wonderful idea, her eyes shining brightly and innocently.

"Ah! I got it! We can do a sudden script change!"

"What's that?"

"Oh, don't play dumb, you guys!" she exclaimed. "A sudden script change is exactly what it sounds like! All we have to do is change the script that Minako gave us, and everything will be okay! At least, that's what I _think_ will happen…" Eyes rolled mightily as Usagi pondered over the possibilities of sudden script changes, and everyone wondered just how long the girl could remain clueless. Rei loved her dearly, even her naïveté, but sometimes her love was tested to the ultimate limit.

"You… _think_ it'll happen?"

"I'm not sure!" snapped Usagi defensively. "This has never happened before! But… we don't have anything to lose, so let's try it!"

"Hold on, don't I get a say in this?!" shrieked poor Mamoru. "I mean, this IS Minako and myself that we're talking about! What if we don't want the script to change? I'm not exactly looking forward to being the slave of some pink snake woman! Minako, surely you agree with me!" The poor blonde snapped to attention and nearly screamed at what she had been insisting upon.

"Oh yeah, I forgot! I'm one of the people that gets captured as well! Oh, CRAP!!! What am I _talking_ about?!?! I don't wanna become the sex-slave of some perverted demon-creature! Crap! Crap on a crap cracker! What was I _thinking?!_ …AND DON'T ANSWER THAT QUESTION!!!"

"I wasn't going to," answered Makoto plainly with a shrug. Minako's forehead was crowned with a big pulsating vein, and it was loud enough to speak for itself while her teeth gnashed together in a rage.

"Screw this!" she hissed darkly. "We can keep the stupid script! Let Mamoru and me go free! Let Laodameia get stuck with that chick with the mighty belch of impending doom! Who gives a rip?"

"But the script will…"

"_Screw_ the script!" snarled Minako angrily. "Or do you WANT us to get captured?? I swear, with friends like you, who needs enemies?? Don't you all love me? Or do you want me to become the sexual tool of some otherworldly FREAK?!?!"

"Well… no!!"

"Then I rest my case!" insisted Minako. She took her script and threw it into the furnace, even though she had been the one to bring it and she had been the one that said something was wrong with it. Those kinds of things usually happened when the Sailor Senshi spent too much time with each other.

"Anyway," sighed Rei once the debacle was over, "Laodameia is next on our list of bad guys to kill, so we'd better think of a plan to get rid of her."

"I think I know something!" piped Usagi. "Yeah! I have a good plan! I'll be the one to do it, too! Okay, listen up everyone…" Usagi huddled together her friends, and began to whisper to them her most ingenious idea…

---------------

__

Meanwhile, in the great hall of the Injustice League, Laodameia and her "servant" Aiaia have gathered together independently for a little chat concerning their newest enemy…

"Ai! Updates!" Aiaia grumbled wearily and slowly rose out of her bed.

"At two in the morning? ……Okay…" With a sigh, the poor woman obeyed her love and rose out of the bed, marching towards the other room where all of Laodameia's equipment was. She activated a few devices and began to list off the statistics on Earth one by one.

"Well, let's see. Bob's demons have split up and sided with Makareus and Thrinake, leaving us with a disadvantage unless we kill off the old man. The woman that killed Bob is now in Tokyo, currently pining over a certain blonde that will not return her affections until sometime later in the future… Al Kristopher is eagerly anticipating the next chapter to his 'other' final Sailor Moon story, but unless he gets some help or finishes some stories, he'll be waiting a long time. Kirika's girlfriend is plotting to delay her by distracting her away from her writing, and if she succeeds, then we can kiss all those Noir and Sailor Moon stories farewell. It's a conspiracy."

"Interesting…" hissed Lao (KIRIKA, WHY DID YOU MAKE NAMES THAT ARE SO HARD TO SPELL?!). "And what of our other threats?"

"The portal to all the crossover worlds is closed, so there won't be any surprise cameo appearances, even if Al Kristopher wills it." (_We'll just see about that!_)

"Excellent! Well, Ai, it looks like things are turning out for the better--although… it's a pity that those girls vetoed the issue of redressing that script. I was so looking forward to having that delicious Mamoru as my sexual 'tool', and that adorable little Minako as my precious pet… Oh well."

"You still have me, beloved master," smiled Aiaia. Laodameia purred in delight and ran a silky-smooth hand over the jaw line of the other woman.

"I know. Well, that seems to be it, then. I am satisfied."

"So can I go back to bed now?" hoped Aiaia. Laodameia paused and thought about it.

"Hmmmmm…… Nope."


	9. A Sweet Victory

Chapter Nine: A Sweet Victory

It was a beautiful day in Tokyo. The sun was shining, the air was warm, the people were happy, and everything was prosperous. Suddenly, from out of the west, Laodameia appeared, with Aiaia destroying everything with her mighty belch of impending doom! Oh no!

"Mwa hahahahahahaha! I will crush all of Tokyo!" bellowed Laodameia. She lashed her arms out and tore a building apart, and kicked down several power lines with her feet, causing a shower of sparks to spray out. The people of Tokyo ran screaming down the streets, resembling a flood of chaos and panic.

"Run!" shouted one man as he looked back. "It's Godzirra!"

"Not Godzirra, you morons!" screamed another man. "God-zi-_lla!_ God-zi-_lla!_ Godzilla! Now you say it!"

"It Godzirra?" they squeaked.

"No, not 'Fa-ra-ra-ra-ra'!" screamed the other man. "Fa LA la-la-la! Now try it!" The other Japanese people paused, and carefully tried to sing out the words.

"…Deck the harrs with bowers of horry! Fa-ra-ra-ra-ra, ra-ra ra ra! Tis' the season to be jorry! Fa-ra-ra-ra-ra, ra-ra ra ra!" The other man groaned wearily and covered his face in shame, and insisted that his men sing another song. They were all about to sing "Ten Days of Christmas", but Godzirra squished them all.

"Auuggh!!" screamed Godzirra. The gigantic lizard rumbled off, leaving Laodameia to stare at it in confusion.

"…Oy!" she sighed. "Why of all the places did we pick Tokyo, Japan to be our starting point? Next thing you know, I'm going to see some… oh, I dunno, superhuman samurai cyber-squad! Or maybe a badly-drawn anime character!" Just then, the superhuman samurai cyber-squad and several badly-drawn anime characters attacked her!

"SON OF A--" Cursing out madly, Laodameia defended herself against the Oriental stereotypes, and continued her rampage with Aiaia (now we couldn't forget about _her_ now!). The two of them tore through the town, destroying models of buildings along the way, and snaked into a particularly large and popular tavern.

Inside, a small group of three drinkers were holding a conversation.

"Do you realize that even as we speak, Kirika is planning on making a story that follows up after the original Absence?"

"No!" they gasped. The first man nodded his head.

"It's true. Don't know what it's gonna be called, though. Oh, and get this: Michael Jackson will be the next host of Fear Factor!"

"Now that I can believe!" smiled one of the men. They toasted to the show and the story, but as they drank, one of the men saw something and spat out his liquor in surprise, getting his drinking buddy soaked.

"That's nice!" squealed the poor fellow. The surprised man shivered and pointed a finger at what had disturbed him so.

"Never mind this crap! Here comes Laodameia!" Everyone in the bar turned around, and saw the beautiful but deadly Laodameia entering into the bar! She snarled wickedly at them, exposing sharp teeth and a forked tongue (try to imagine Aiaia making out with _that_, Lady Kirika!), and set her deadly gaze on them all.

"Time to party!" she screamed. All the men scrambled in fear, but Aiaia stopped them by unleashing her mighty belch of impending doom. With a single loud burp, she sent shockwaves across the tavern, destroying the pillars that held the place up, the doors and windows, and practically everything else, including the floor and ceiling. The drinkers were flattened against the floor from the force of Aiaia's belch, rendering them paralyzed and unable to move from Laodameia.

"Well done, my love," hissed Laodameia (if you think kissing a snake-woman is frightening, don't even get me _started_ with the woman with the belch that kills!). After giving Aiaia a brief kiss, she slithered over to the bar counter and lifted it off the floor. She scooped up the paralyzed drunkards and forced them against the wall, slowly crushing them with the large counter. They all moaned in agony and tried to shove back, but Laodameia kept smiling wickedly. Suddenly, there came a knock at the door that broke both of their attentions.

"Candy-gram for Laodameia!" Both villains turned around, spotting a cute young lady poking herself into the room stiffly. She had a pretty face and short blonde hair, or else it had been all wrapped up and was laying underneath the cute delivery girl's hat. She had bright blue eyes and a smile that suggested nothing but love and innocence, and a lithe body wrapped beneath a dark-blue delivery uniform that was just to die for. In her hands was a box, a sheet of paper, and a pencil. She looked around carefully before calling out again.

"Candy-gram for Laodameia! Candy-gram for Laodameia!"

"I'm Laodameia!" exclaimed the pink woman. The delivery girl smiled stiffly and walked over to the taller creature, handing over the sheet of paper first.

"Sign here, please." Both women did, and as they were occupied, the delivery girl secretly indicated for the other people to escape. Once the people were gone and the signatures were written, she smiled and handed the box of "candy" over to the duo.

"Thank you very much!" The woman quickly walked out of the room, plugging her ears with her fingers as she left. There was a reason for all this, but Laodameia and Aiaia wouldn't find that out until it was too late. Together, they smiled and slowly opened the box…

"I like candy!" exclaimed the pink demon. She tore off the box's lid…

**__**

KA-BOOM!!

…and got blown to pieces as the thing exploded in her face.

------------

"Oh, drat…" Makareus sighed, and flipped off his monitor as yet another one of his family members was utterly annihilated--no, make that two. He could not forget the lovely Aiaia, no matter _how_ much he wanted to. "Well, there go two more. And they were such beautiful women too! I especially liked watching them in bed together, performing that good old fashioned HLA! HLA is the best, wouldn't you agree, Iason?"

"HELLO, MY NAME IS IASON!"

"……Quite," sighed Makareus. To his right, Iason sat grinning that same ludicrous grin, apparently unfazed by the destruction of either woman. He didn't seem to respond to anything at all, except his own name (which he loved to declare every chance he got), and in fact did not DO much of anything. His special power was that he had super-spelling, and his fingers could turn into razor-sharp piano strings, but when you think about it, that's pretty nasty--the spelling, I mean.

"In any case," continued Makareus, "we're going to have to do something drastic, and we're going to have to act very slowly. Even though we now have a doomsday weapon up and running, we'll have to wait for those annoying Sailor brats to come to us before we ever use it."

"HELLO, MY NAME IS IASON!!"

"Ah think Mr. Iason's tryin' to tell y'all that he's wonderin' why yew gots to wait," said Lazarus, who sadly did not get much time until now. Don't worry, folks, I didn't forget about everyone's favorite mask-wearing, assassinating, banjo-strumming redneck!

"That's what all bad guys do," shrugged Makareus. "They welcome the good guy into their lair and divulge their entire master plan, and then they hook them up to a death machine that doesn't work. It happens all the time; who are we to change such a fate?" Lazarus stared back at the shape-shifting man in a confusion, and even catatonic Iason seemed a little stirred by the very unusual words of Makareus. It didn't last.

"…Hello, my name is Iason…?"

"Never mind," sighed Makareus. "Let's go play Halo while we're waiting. I get to have the big guns!"

"(Yew always have thuh biggest friggin' guns…)" muttered poor Lazarus. The three hooked up and played anyway, leaving the good guys to recuperate from their latest "harrowing mission".

----------

"So how'd you do it?" asked Minako, her eyes wide open and brimming with excitement. Usagi Tsukino smiled mischievously and gave her fellow blonde an impishly cool stare.

"Oh, it was nothing," she sang. "Destroying Laodameia and Aiaia was cake. Making an exploding candy-gram was the problem, though. Hmph, they probably won't even say that I invented it!"

"Oh yeah, great invention," moaned Rei. "A box of chocolates that explodes in your face? Come on, moon-rocks for brains! How useful is that really gonna be?"

"*sniffle* Don't mock me, Rei!" whined poor dear sweet loveable Usagi. "My idea was a very good one! People like… like secret agents or spies could use it! And… and… it got rid of our enemies… So… don't be so _mean_! Waaaaaaaaaaah!!!" Usagi suddenly ran off, tears falling down her eyes and sadness wrenching her heart. All eyes glared at Rei, burrowing deep knives of flame into her body. She shirked back and shrunk from the stares, and crawled into a corner to hide away from their accusing glances. Halfway in a fetal position, she sucked on her finger and tried to weasel her way out of another jam.

"That was uncalled for, Rei Hino!" snapped Makoto. "Usagi did a great thing today and all you can do is insult her! You haven't changed one bit since you left us!"

"Mako…" Ami's touch calmed the taller woman, but not by much.

"Waaaaaaaaah, she's right!" wailed Rei--_wait a minute!!! Rei Hino doesn't wail!!!_ Anyway… "I'm a big fat old meanie! Well… not big… and not fat…"

"Just mean!" stated Makoto. "Now go apologize to poor Usagi! She doesn't deserve you belittling her all the time! I thought you two were friends!" Rei drew back with a sharp breath as Makoto's words stabbed at her. They were more powerful than the sharpest swords, and burned deeper than the hottest fires. Of course, the brunette was completely right: Usagi didn't deserve anything but praise for what she had done. She deserved ultimate happiness, and support, and love from all of the people she had touched, yet Rei acted like nothing but a hideous demon towards her, mocking her and "belittling" her as Makoto put it so well.

_I thought you two were friends!_ That statement, she noted, hit hardest of all. Was Rei really "just" a friend (or worse, as it seemed)? Was Rei really even a friend at all, or one who just spited poor Usagi and insulted her and did everything possible to make the girl's life a literal Hell on Earth? What sort of monster _was_ she?? Worse than Bob or Lao, that was certain; of the ilk that made Lucifer himself smile with dark pride. Such a revelation was horrifying to Rei, who felt her own powers of flame being used against her to consume her from within. She burned with powerful remorse, and screamed inwardly at her own stupidity and weakness.

Weak… she was so weak… so terribly weak that it was a wonder she even breathed, let alone fought. And Usagi… she was the strongest of them all… She was their rock, their foundation, the one who supported everyone, and Rei had the absolute mindless _GALL_ to break such an indomitable will. Only a few words… It had only taken a few words to topple such a strength… Just a few words…

_But just as many words could build that strength up again._

"What have I done?" whispered Rei fearfully, tears coming form her eyes. She looked at her hands, expecting to see them drenched in blood forever, and shunned herself from her vision. "I'm… nothing… I am nothing… I am nothing but a creature of darkness, worse than the devils in Hell… And so I must atone for what injuries I have done!" Ignorant to the stares of the other women in the room, Rei stood up, steeled her nerve and resolve, and trailed after Usagi in hopes of mending things up. She wobbled to the only other empty room in the house, on knees and legs too weak to support her, and came to it with a feeling of doubt and fear in her throat. She swallowed, and knocked.

"Go away." That response, she admitted, was to be expected. She knocked again. "I said to go away. I don't want to talk to anyone." Rei opened the door anyway.

"The things you put up with…" she began in a quivering voice. Usagi turned around, tears scarring her face more deeply than any mortal cut could, and glared as hotly as she could at the woman who had been an enemy in the past.

"Go away, Rei!" she whispered, her voice so filled with emotion that it was hoarse. "I don't ever want to see you again! Just… leave me!"

"I should, shouldn't I?" she sighed as she joined Usagi. "The things you put up with, Usagi… I am such a worthless woman, an unworthy soul of darkness and boundless hate, spurned by my own pitiful weakness to snuff out the only light in this world… I am nothing but a pitiful shell, a servant of devils, and… I can't understand… why you… put up… with me…"

Usagi looked up, and noticed that Rei was crying.

"…Rei?"

"Shut up!" wailed the priestess firmly. "You shouldn't have to say my name! Don't even be concerned about me, Usagi! I'm not worth your time!!" Rei's stare kept its lock, but even though her eyes burned, Usagi could tell that she was deeply hurt about what she had done earlier. Usagi had a special gift of kindness; a special gift so powerful that even in the darkest times--no, _especially_ in the darkest times, she was able to summon up a shred of care and love and give it out to any who needed it. Her emotional grievance was forgotten as she reached out to touch Rei's face, and she found that the other girl had indeed been crying.

"Rei…"

"I know you can't forgive me for what I did…" murmured Rei weakly. "I'm so weak and… useless… and… I don't deserve… to even know who you are…"

"Shut up, Rei," whispered Usagi gently. She smiled, though she was still crying, and fell forward to give the other woman a hug. Rei was shocked as she received such overwhelming kindness, and froze in amazement. It had not been three minutes ago when Usagi was telling her to leave the room, and now she was giving her a tender embrace. Rei smiled a pure smile, tears still falling, and returned it without question.

To err was human, but to forgive… ah, now that was divine.

"Thank you, meatball head," whispered Rei softly. She drew back from the hug, smiled tenderly, and leaned forward to give her angel a gentle, tender kiss, full of complete love with just a bit of pain mixed in. Usagi was mildly surprised at the action…… but she took it like any true gift, and even returned it a little. The two enemies, the two friends, the two soul-mates united and parted after a time, sharing a smile and just a trace of saliva, and sighed at how utterly wonderful it all was.

"…Hey, uh, wait a second," murmured Usagi gently. "Wasn't this… supposed to be a parody?" Rei thought about it for only a second before realizing what was wrong.

"Hey… yeah! Hey, you're right, Usagi! This _was_ supposed to be a parody! What's going on??!! What's with all this serious dramatic angst all of a sudden?! And this romance!! Spoofs and parodies don't usually have drama in them! What gives?!" Suddenly, from out of nowhere, Setsuna Meioh bolted in the room, wielding an oversized mallet.

__

BONK!!!

"OW!!!" screamed poor Rei, her face in total shock from the blow. Setsuna cackled madly as her mallet gave Rei a mighty bonk on the head.

"Mwa hahahahaha! I bonk you on the head! Gya hahahahahahaaaaa!"

"SETSUNA!!!" screamed Usagi. "What are you DOING?! This isn't like you at all!"

"Well, _somebody_ had to do it," she said, giving Usagi a very cute clueless look. Nobody had ever seen Setsuna looking all that cute _or_ clueless, so it was a rather nice change from all the previous drama. Usagi and Rei exchanged glances, and shared a smile as things began to look abnormal again. Suddenly, from out of nowhere, Ami appeared!

"Did they make up yet?"

"Yes," answered the cute and clueless Setsuna.

"Did they make _out_ yet?"

"No," she giggled. Ami's eyes nearly exploded.

"WHAT??!! No Hot Lesbian Action yet? Oh, darn! I thought Usagi and Rei were going to do some HLA sometime!"

"No, that's later in the story," said Usagi. "Though I don't know the exact time, since 'SOMEBODY' burned the blankety-blank script!!!" From the other room, all eyes now turned their glare to Minako, who bore a frightened and sheepish look on her face--mostly frightened. She felt exactly two inches tall, and wanted to crawl into a corner and disappear just like Rei did, but there was no escape for her. She squeaked out only one word before everybody began beating her up.

"…Eep."


	10. Fortune Favors the Water Bearer

****

Chapter 10: Fortune Favors the Water-Bearer

It was not long after the Laodamia incident when Rei decided to go full-throttle and make her feelings really known to Usagi--just in case that little bit of "mouth-to-mouth resuscitation" hadn't done the trick. However, Usagi was still enamored with Mamoru (not that Rei blamed her; he was really a great guy, and deserved the angel he had), so in order for Rei to compete, she had to show a deeper side. Childish flirting and games wouldn't do; she needed to be serious. And so, our dark-haired heroine invited her secret love over to her house for some "games". To make things seem more legit, however, she invited all her friends.

"I wonder why Usagi isn't coming to my party?" she just had to wonder. Her house was decorated nice and the atmosphere was great, but so far, only Rei attended Rei's party. She didn't expect Ami or Setsuna to come, but Makoto, Minako, and Chibi-Usa were almost certain guests. But nobody was there! As poor Rei was moping over the bad turn of events, a knock came at the door.

"Who is it?" she asked as he opened it. Standing on the other side was her pretty friend, the loveable lady Usagi Tsukino. She was dressed up nice but not too nice, since it was a casual party, and she gave Rei a pretty smile as she entered.

"Hello Rei, I heard you were having a party," she said in greetings. She nodded her head.

"Yes, but nobody came! It's all empty in here! I set everything up for nothing!"

"I'm sorry," she said with a heartbreaking pout, the kind that made Rei want to hug her (but who wouldn't??). "I wish that more people would come. I bet it would have been real fun."

"Yeah… well, see ya." Poor dumb Rei almost closed the door, but Usagi wasn't through with her yet.

"Wait, Rei! _I_ came to your party!"

"Oh, really? Well, that's super-duper! Come on in, and we can start the party!" And so, the blonde entered into Rei's house, a smile on her eager face and an even bigger one on the priestess'. What better way to spend a holiday than with a loved one?

"Let's start by bobbing for apples!" he exclaimed. Usagi grinned sweetly, folding her hands behind her back as she looked from the beautiful guardian of flames down to the bucket of apples. The round red fruit was there, but neither the bucket nor the water was with them.

"But Rei, you don't have a bucket. How're we supposed to play without a bucket of water?"

"Well," she shrugged, "with all the excitement going on, I couldn't afford to buy one--but don't worry, we'll just use the carpet instead!"

"Okay," she sang, her eyes twinkling. Rei smiled back and pointed at her.

"Pretty ladies first!!" Usagi dove in, grasping towards one of the apples with her mouth. Her lips touched the carpet instead, and a nasty dust ball got clogged into her throat, choking her terribly.

"D'gacck! Rei! (cough, cough) I'm… choking!"

"Oh no!" she exclaimed in horror. "Hold on here! I'll get you some water!" And as quick as a bolt, Rei ran out of his room just as the background music began to play a rock version of "The Ballad of William Tell" (or for you unsophisticated clods, the theme song to "The Lone Ranger"). Go Rei, go!!!!

She sprinted out of her room and down the hallway, curbing past the corner and bolting down the stairs, with the music still playing. She reached to the first floor and bolted towards the door, opening it and coming into the yard. From there, she sprinted as fast as he could to the nearest fountain, and cursed as she saw it dry. With as much speed as ever, Borus continued running until she sprinted past Chad and the front gate.

From there, she marched over hill and over dale, running along the dusty trail, weathering storm and wind and gale, for the sake of her one true love! She sprinted through a large forest, her body but a blur. Leaves were whirled up into a stormy tizzy as she dashed across the grove, and from the forests she hiked up into a large mountain, scaling the impossibly tall peak like a goat. With full speed still active, and the blasted music still playing, she rocketed down the other side and tumbled onto a meadow, where in the distance, she could faintly see a lake.

When at last she reached the lake, Rei got out a large chalice she had been carrying, and filled it to the brim with water. She then turned around, and ran all the way back to Cherry Hill Temple, taking the exact same route she had before.

****

Twenty-five days later…

"Here you go, Usagi!" exclaimed Rei, shoving the chalice towards her friend. Usagi took a big chug of water, clearing up the dust that had gotten caught in her throat.

"…Thank you, Rei!" she exclaimed with a gush. "You _saved_ me!"

"Sure!" she exclaimed with a smile. "Well, what game do you want to play next?"

"But Rei, the party's over!" said Usagi. "It's Thanksgiving now!!"

"Oh!" A pause. "Well, do you want to come over to my place for Thanksgiving supper?"

"Sure, Rei," gushed Usagi with a sweet smile. She then followed her friend towards the small kitchen, discovering a prize turkey that had magically appeared out of nowhere! "Wow!" she exclaimed. "That looks good!"

"I hope so!" added Rei with a big, childish smile. "I spent all my money on it, and I couldn't afford stuffing, so I just used dirt instead!"

"That's okay, Rei!" said Usagi with her trademark smile. Rei smiled and handed her friend a fork and plate.

"Well, dig in! Pretty ladies first!" Usagi put one of the slices in her mouth…

"D'gacck! Rei! (cough, cough) I'm… choking again!"

"Oh, noooo!!!" she wailed. "Hold on, Usagi! I'll go get you some water!!!" And as quick as a bolt, Rei ran out of her house--again--just as the background music began to play a rock version of "The Ballad of William Tell", again. Go Rei, go!!

Rei sprinted out of the castle, through the forest, over the mountain, across the field, and towards the lake again, filling up the glass that had just been emptied half a month ago. She then turned around, and started for the temple once again…

****

Twenty-five days later…

"Here you go, Usagi!" exclaimed Rei, shoving the chalice towards her friend again. Usagi took another big chug of water, clearing up the dirt that had gotten caught in her throat.

"…Thank you, Rei!" she exclaimed with a gush. "You saved me _again_!"

"Sure!" she exclaimed with a smile. "Well, let's eat!"

"But Rei, it's not turkey day anymore!" said the blonde. Rei seemed a little crestfallen.

"Oh. Well, do you want to come over to my place for Hanukkah?"

"Sure, Rei!" she smiled. "I had no idea you were Jewish!"

"Only in this parody," muttered the priestess. Rei then led Usagi into her room, which had been decorated with Hanukkah apparel. A wax menorah was on her table, and a wooden dreidel stood unspun in the corner.

"Sorry, I couldn't afford any food, so I used dirt instead!" exclaimed the dark-haired one. Usagi smiled, then her face suddenly went into a confusion. She gave her friend a weird look, who returned it with puzzlement.

"…Oh, no!!!" The two of them suddenly burst out in hearty laughter, smiling at each other out of the weirdness of it all.

"Oh, Rei!" exclaimed Makoto. "You're so dumb! But we love you anyway!"

__

Next chapter: Can Setsuna-chan really be portrayed as a clueless ditz? Can she give Usagi a run for her money? Will she say something so completely random and pointless that everyone looks at her strangely? Can she, in fact, be CUTE? Tune in next time, when we'll hear a delightfully mindless Setsuna say, "SHAZAM!!" and where we'll here Rei's crusty old grandfather say, "Hey big man, lemme hold a dollar!"


	11. The Adventures of a Delightfully Mindles...

****

Chapter 11: The Adventures of a Delightfully Mindless Setsuna Meioh

We all know that Setsuna Meioh, alias Trista, alias the Guardian of Time, alias Sailor Pluto, alias Puu, alias Hot Sexy Chick #9, was a very sophisticated lady with the decorum of a queen and the loveliness of a goddess. We all know that she stood watch over the gates of Time, using her Pluto planet power to aid her in her eternal vigil. We also know that sometimes she's portrayed as love-starved, and the object of her affections is almost certainly either poor loveable Mamoru, poor loveable Minako, poor loveable Hotaru (which is just plain wrong), poor loveable Rei (which it was in the original story), or if you want to make things fun, poor loveable Prince Diamond.

But what if there was a nasty aftereffect from being the guardian of time? What if the elegant Setsuna had her brains scrambled a little bit more each time she traveled between the dimensions? What if her brains became so terribly scrambled that she started acting completely out of character? And what if the author of this story declared her his baby-doll, since she'd be one of those loveable ditzy characters you find in every single anime?

Well, I don't want to sit here typing forever, so I'll go and find out!

ZING!

Setsuna Meioh suddenly teleported from out of nowhere, a brief flash of light having preceded her appearance. As soon as she was aware that she was no longer teleporting, her eyes widened and her hand went to her mouth in surprise.

"Huh, what? Where am I? What is this place? Wow, that was a very strange trip! I wonder where Miroku and Shippo went!" With her questions piling up and her confusion growing larger, Setsuna began walking into a random direction, her eyes looking everywhere for a sign of familiarity. She suddenly spotted a pretty bluebird, and grinned childishly as it floated by. Forgetting everything about her whereabouts, she followed the bird and laughed merrily as it flew overhead.

Setsuna followed the bird until she found some colors in the sky, and stared straight up at them all in awe. There were a trillion rainbows in the air, swirling around beautifully to obliterate the darkness and shades of gray. The trees sang as they floated through the air, wilting and belting out tunes of sorrow and happiness. Dogs yipped across the street, riding atop a bus that was slowly melting into wax. And then there was a coconut that sailed cross the sky until it burst open, and became a fireworks display of mayonnaise.

Setsuna got burned by the delicious cream of guilt, turning her skin to a golden brown, waiting to be eaten by a gigantic nun. When her wand twirled around the air, it created a whirlpool where strawberries got sucked into it and where people kicked geese all the hours of the day.

The Roman Coliseum crumbled.

Setuna sailed across endless fields of grass, smiling and singing and FLYING along with the songs playing inside of her endless head. Doubts and terrors were devoured by her pink tongue, along with the endless streets and highways of numbing mindless yodels. She jumped. Setsuna was flying in the air in no time at all, allowing her sleek body to be bathed in the color of rainbows that had crowded across the air. More dogs barked, and the great artist used his brush to paint a daffodil. Meow.

Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna, Setsuna.

Flapping her arms, Setsuna flew through the peach trees like an eagle, and grew feathers and wings, and became a bird, and vanished into the air forever.

I can stay?

Sailor Pluto smiled broadly, sauntering along on her usual shuffling speed, smiling at the pretty birds and flowers as she walked towards Rei's Cherry Hill Temple. There was a dark-haired priestess of great beauty that had captured her heart, or so she last believed, but poor Setsuna forgot it all as she raced slowly up the hill and stairs, towards the model Japanese locality. Ravens and doves flew in a checkered jumble over her head, and a river made out of water, fish, and stones trickled happily at her feet.

Then the dreams began again.

Setsuna was in the endless field of pink flowers, where even the grass was pink. It went on for eternity, and the clouds were also hovering over her head. The sun smiled and gave her a happy wave, and she replied back by swinging her key of Time in the air like it were a spear. Rivers of soda fell upwards, creating bubbles that frothed and carried people into Heaven. Dancers sat perfectly still in the pink grass, their backs on the earth and their bodies facing the Sky.

Setsuna began to fly.

She came across a large stop sign, and a free bowl of hot tomato soup awaited her consumption. She drank it and it was good. Refreshed, Setsuna passed by the sign, coming across a highway and a rabbit, which spoke to her gently. She was going to be late for the train, he said, and since she didn't want that, Setsuna brought a towel.

The zebra gave her the ticket, and told her to get rid of any fleas that were on her glove. There were none. Setsuna boarded the magical train, which whirred to life and began to float in the air, until it became a sea of foamy bubbles and exploded with a watery splash. A flock of ducks broke her fall, and they gave her smiles as they carried her towards the house of Rei, whom she was visiting.

Endless, endless, endless, endless, endless.

Endless.

Endless…

"Oh, hello Setsuna!" exclaimed Rei, who had not expected to see the drop-dead sexy guardian of time. Setsuna's cute face widened in astonishment.

"Oh! Rei! What am I doing at your house?!"

"What do you mean?" asked the soldier of fire. "Didn't you come here on purpose?"

"……I don't think I did…" murmured Setsuna, placing a finger on her lips cutely. She stared up at the ceiling, and noticed that a ladybug had been clinging to the top the whole time. A Dream almost came to mind, but Usagi (who had remained from the previous chapter, despite getting choked almost 8 times) broke her limited concentration.

"Uhhh, Setsuna?"

"Huh, huh? What, huh? What's going on?"

"You came here for something!" exclaimed the blonde. Setsuna gave her another one of those adorably cute clueless looks that she had.

"Oh, I did? Wow, no way! I don't remember doing that! Maybe if my memory's jogged, I'll think of why I came here!" The sweet guardian of time sat down on a chair, laying her hands at her side and staring mindlessly at the wall. She still had a cute smile on her face, and a dream came to her ruby eyes.

Men in suits.

"Setsuna?" said Usagi, staring into the older woman's eyes. "Are you okay? You're acting… well… out of character…"

"It's best not to ask…" whispered she. Usagi gave Setsuna a confused face, and slowly--_very_ slowly--the Moon Princess stepped away.

"…Uhhh…"

"Why don't we play a game while we're waiting?" chirped Setsuna happily, her bright face becoming brighter still. Now, even Rei was scratching her head.

"S… sure thing, Setty! Now, what is it that you wanted to play?"

A pause. Apples being thrown by Grendel, towards the cowardly hero who hates him so…

"Huh? What? Whaaa? What's going on?!"

"I asked you what kind of game you wanted to play!" exclaimed Rei, who was rather surprised to hear that Setsuna, Guardian of Time, wanted to play a _game_.

"Oh, did I want to play a game?" wondered dear sweet Puu, her face looking as cute and confused as ever. A gigantic vein of aggravation grew on Rei's forehead.

"Setsuna…!"

"Oh!!!" exclaimed the guardian suddenly, just before Rei could blow her top. "I remember why I came here! I wanted to tell you that in a few day's time, perhaps after Al Kristopher inserts a few more _really_ weird chapters, we're going to destroy Thrinakie!"

"And that is…?"

"He's the crusty old villain who talks like Dr. Strangelove," murmured Usagi in an aside. Rei slowly nodded her head.

"'The benefits of reading the original story', eh?"

"Mm-hm. Anyway, thanks for the, uh, info, Setsuna. How can we repay you?" Setsuna, however, was smiling as blissfully and obliviously as ever. She was already lost in another one of her wonderful daydreams.

She was on the road. She rode a small yellow bus. All of her friends were there. They were dressed in wild and colorful clothes, and all their hair was long and untamed. Usagi was wearing purple sunglasses, and she had a completely white ensemble, from coat to undershirt and even pants and shoes. She played backup guitar and vocals.

Rei was wearing a business suit, but had no shoes to cover her soul. She had been playing a piano, and was also writing the songs for the long journey. Ami was on lead guitar, as the quiet one, and though she wrote few songs, they were all magical and beautiful and full of the brilliance that only she contained. She wore blue jeans and a jean-jacket, and her hair was very long and shaggy.

Makoto wore the same as Rei, except her suit was unbuttoned, and she had shoes on. She also had a drum set, and sang in a powerful voice, when she was given the chance. Minako was acting as backup singer to Rei and Usagi, and she was totally dressed in tie-dye. Her long hair was like a rainbow to behold.

The whole group was on the bus, on the road, writing songs and weaving magic. They awaited their destiny with singing and watched as the sun sank below the distant horizon and spells were being cast over the world. They flew.


	12. Bed Action

If you think I was tripping out in the previous chapter, you haven't seen anything yet!

Chapter 12: Bed Action

Please note, dear reader, that I am probably skipping more than I should.

I can't remember ALL of this story, but I'm getting the gist of it.

(enter angst)

(enter bloody fights)

(enter more angst)

(enter even more bloody fights)

(enter a sliver of one-sided "romance")

(angst, angst, angst, angst. Jeez, Rei! Get a hobby!)

(enter lots of blood, most of it being caused by Rei on PMS)

(more blood)

(and more)

You get the idea. That's basically it. Now let's all give Kirika a big hug!!!

I don't mean the petite young lady from Noir, though I don't blame anybody if they want to give her a hug as well. Girls and guns, what more do you need?!

I meant Kirika-chan, the authoress of the original Absence. Without her, this would only be an extremely weird story. I don't usually write shoujo-ai either, with a few rare exceptions, so again, this would be strange.

Not that it hasn't crossed that line long before. Now it's just a question of how low I can really sink.

I don't think anybody wants to know the answer to that question, especially Kirry-chan.

*gives Kirika a hug*

There, I did it! Whoopee!

Anyway, the girls do a lot of crap in between the time where Rei flirts with Usagi and where they all go kill that Thrinakie dude, blah-blah-blah. I forgot every single bit of that odd period, so I'm just going to summarize.

(angst)

(blood)

(angst)

(blood)

(angst)

(blood)

(angst)

(romance)

(more blood)

(more angst)

(blood)

(angst)

(blood)

(angst)

(blood)

(angst)

(blood)

(angst)

(blood)

(angst)

(blood)

(pies)

(blood)

(blood)

(angst)

(angst)

(Mamoru bashing)

There, I think that covers it. And now, we tune in to Rei and Usagi, who are expressing their feelings about the coming battle. Unless I don't know better, I'd say that they have some talking to do before the big fight. Check out the title of this chapter, and you'll see what _else_ they do in here!

--------------------

Usagi: i am worried Rei.

Rei: Sh, dont be, ill make it all better.

*they have sex*

Usagi: mmm, that was nice, Rei! i luv U

Rei: I luv U2

Usagi: The band?

Rei: No dummy, I mean, I love you as well *styx tongue out*

Usagi: *bites tongue*

Rei: Feisty!!

But that's a bit undignified, isn't it? (Well, even for this format!) Maybe a little bit of elaboration…

"I don't feel… like this… is going to be a good situation…" murmured Usagi quietly. Rei merely held her, letting four frail fingers that had caused so much death and pain to dare comb through the beautiful seas of gold that were Usagi's twin tails of heavenly hair. Such loveliness and stark perfection needed not be soiled by such blood-stained hands…

"Usagi… you're such a wimp," joked Rei, trying to get her friend to cheer up--which was usually the opposite. Rei had spoken gently and lovingly, though, so it was not received as an insult. Even so, if it had, Usagi no longer minded. Rei loved her, and thus was a "True" guardian to her, in every aspect of the word…

(scene missing)

"You're so gorgeous…" whispered Usagi, staring up at the dark-haired angel above her. Rei, who had bared body, mind, and soul for the golden goddess beneath her, smiled sweetly.

"Not nearly as gorgeous as you, my princess…" she hissed in a whisper. Her face poured out with love, and Usagi quietly begged Rei to come, take her, absorb her, and love her--begged her with helpless eyes full of love. Rei could only comply, and drew her bare body towards the woman she loved. Slowly, the two young ladies--

****

WHOA!!!!!!

THAT'S _TOO MUCH_ ELABORATION!!!!!!!!!!

…Maybe we can find a peaceful medium…

Rei and Usagi poured their hearts out to each other, and then they started to get intimate. They had some serious bed action going on after that!!! Then they fell asleep and woke up to a house full of people who had heard about their little "adventure".

Whoopsie-doodle.

__

Enjoy this little dose of unadulterated weirdness--you deserve it! But can things really sink any lower? Of course! Since they already made love, Rei and Usagi are now officially lesbian lovers! Yippee! But there is one force out there so powerful that it will be able to tear them apart--perhaps forever! This force is so strong that (gasp) not only will it make Rei "straight", but it also has the power to even revert good ol' Haruka and Michiru! Of course, I'm talking about none other than Billy Lee Black from Xenogears! Tune in next time to hear everyone's favorite bishonen priest say, "Help, Jerry Springer, I have too many girlfriends!" and we'll also hear Billy's crusty old drunk gunslinger of a father say, "Hey big man, lemme hold a dollar!"


	13. Kosplaying Krossover Khaos!

****

Chapter 13: Kosplaing Krossover Khaos!

…KKK? That's not good… *weak laughter…*

Anyway, the Sailor Senshi were all enjoying a rather lovely day, when all of a sudden, a portal to another reality opened and Billy Lee Black from Xenogears appeared out of nowhere!

"Oof!" he exclaimed as he struck the ground. "How did I get over here?"

"This should not be!" exclaimed Setsuna, who also came out of nowhere to provide feedback for the confused readers. "Didn't Laodameia and Aiaia seal off the vortexes that allowed for characters from another world to cross over with ours?"

"She did indeed," said the author of this story (not Kirika, Al Kristopher). "But the thing about writing stories is that the author is ALL-POWERFUL! Bwahahahahahaha! Yes, I wield all power in this story, and can easily ignore the laws of common sense and physics! Billy's appearance here is because Al Kristopher COMMANDED it so!"

"Oh, okay, that makes sense," said Setsuna. She then smiled and got hearts in her eyes as she gazed at the ultra-bishonen Billy. The girl let out a squeal and dashed towards him, making Billy freak out as yet another fan girl obsessed over him.

"Aieeeeeee! N-no, stay away!" The poor priest ran from the screaming Setsuna for his life, but accidentally came across the lair of the other Sailor Senshi, who (for some stereotypically clichéd reason or another) were all hooked up in lesbian relationships with each other. However, as soon as bishie Billy made the scene, the girls all grew hearts in their eyes, sighed dreamily, and forgot about their girlfriends.

"AAAAHHHH, IT'S BILLY!!" Their collective squeal was deafening, and in no time at all, the senshi forgot their lesbian delusions and chased after poor Billy, intent on glomping, cuddling, squeezing, hugging, kissing, stripping, etc. him. The priest's freaked-out face exploded in horror, and he turned around once again to run from the stampeding girls.

"GET ME OUTTA THIS WORLD!!!!"

"But Billy, you're so beautiful!" exclaimed Makoto. "And you don't remind me of that jerk of a boyfriend I had!"

"Piss off, thunder goddess!" snarled Usagi. "Billy is MINE!"

"NOOO, HE'S _MINE!!!_" screamed Rei, who was formerly in love with Usagi. With Billy around, however, not even the moon princess stood a chance. The poor bishonen priest screamed in terror as the priestess leaped towards him, but all he could really do was brace.

****

GLOMP!!!!!

"Billy, Billy!" Rei squealed out the name of her new love as she rubbed her cheek against his, but Haruka shoved her aside as violently as possible before cutting in.

"BACK OFF! Billy rules! This boy is MINE, so don't even think about coming in between us!" The masculine woman looked into Billy's irresistible green eyes softly, holding his pale face in her hands as she beheld him. He returned her stare of love with amazement and alarm; Haruka quickly stole a kiss before Setsuna tackled her.

"Haruka, that's no fair! Everybody loves you! Why can't I have a nice boyfriend like Billy?"

"BECAUSE HE BELONGS TO _ME!!_"

"Ladies, please stop fighting!" shouted the poor young priest. "You should not be acting so violently towards each other! Surely there is some way that you can solve this, erm, issue?"

"The priest is right!" declared Minako as she grabbed hold of his arm. "The only way to settle this is to have a death-match! The winner keeps Billy to herself!"

"Or we could just hope that more vortexes open up and a few of Billy's friends pop out." The group paused to consider Ami's thought, but for the first time ever, it was shot down and rejected. The senshi honestly looked ready to literally fight each other over poor Billy, but luckily, Ami's wish suddenly came true! More portals opened up, and from the world of Xenogears came every bishonen ever made: Ramsus, Fei, Krelian, Citan, Bart, Sigurd, and Big Joe (that last one was a fluke).

"AIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!" All the girls squealed in simultaneous glee as they spotted the army of bishies, and stampeded after them like cattle, nearly trampling poor Billy. Rei stayed behind, though, because she felt a strong spiritual connection with young Mr. Black. Her adoration was received much more warmly than the others'; Billy merely sighed with relief.

"Boy, what a day!" he exclaimed. Hearts appeared in Rei's eyes as she fawned over him.

"I'll say…"

__

Meanwhile…

"Dr. Citan Uzuki is mine!" screamed Ami, pulling on the talkative doctor's long ponytail.

"You can't have Citan, he's married!" shouted Haruka. She turned her sights to both Bart and Sigurd, grinning lustfully at the two one-eyed pirates. "But these two now, hehe…" She instantly glomped Bart two seconds before he let out a bloody scream; Sigurd began to perspire as Michiru hugged onto his neck.

"Fei-chan-kun is mine!" giggled Usagi, giving the hero of Xenogears a hug. Fei smiled weakly, but even with his strength, he could not pry the girl off.

"Yeah, but what about Elly?" wondered Minako, who had constricted herself around poor Krelian. "Aren't those two an item? They look cute together, Usagi!" The moon princess stuck out her tongue like a true mature lady, and kept on cuddling Fei. Minako shrugged and smiled, and gave a confused Krelian a peck on the cheek. Setsuna was holding onto Ramsus in a very sensual manner; the "worthless" Solarian commander whispered into her ear about a secret place where they could "talk". Setsuna's face lit up as his voice tickled her ear, and slipped away with the main group so she and Kahr could "talk". Hotaru didn't seem to really care about getting a boyfriend from Xenogears, since she was busy killing Chibi-Usa.

…Whaaaaaaaaat? Don't tell me you haven't wanted to do the job yourself!!

"Anyway," said Rei as she and Billy joined the others, "we should really go after Thrinakie."

"Yes," said Makoto.

"He needs to be killed faster so the story flows better," added Michiru. "I vote that we go after him once we all have hot steamy intimacy with our chosen Xenogears love."

"Yippiee!!" squealed every girl in the vicinity. And there was much rejoicing.

__

Three hours later…

"That was fun!" exclaimed Minako, giving Krelian a hug. Usagi let out a sigh.

"Fei broke up with me… He said he wanted to see Elly…"

"Citan did to, except with his wife Yui," moaned poor Ami.

"Don't give me the chance to say 'I told you so', because I will!" pointed a _very_ happy Minako. "There are some pairings that people shouldn't screw with!"

"Yes," said Makoto. And that was the end of the chapter.


	14. History of the World, Part 2

****

Chapter 14: History of the World Part 2

My uncle is a donut.


	15. Much Ado About Batman

__

Meanwhile, somewhere on the south Jersey shore…

"Gentlemen!" exclaimed Dr. Weird, ready to unveil his latest evil creation. "Behold! My pants are missing!"

"…But Dr. Weird, you don't wear pants!" noted his assistant. Dr. Weird growled.

"I know! …It's the strangest thing! And I don't even know what pants are!"

"Then why did you--"

"Silence, foolish mortal!" he shouted, reclining on a large leather chair. "The Batman marathon is starting! I just _love_ Lee Meredith!"

"Well, I like Eartha Kitt myself--"

"Silence!" shouted Dr. Weird. "Bring me the bat-popcorn while I look for the bat-remote! _And where are my pants_??!!"

****

Chapter 15: Much Ado About Batman

From somewhere deep inside the senshi's lair, things were brewing into an ill stew. There were still two more villains preventing the Sailor Senshi from resting up, two more villains who had to be conquered before the story would ever end. Since this was a multi-chapter story and most villains are destroyed or defeated by or near the end, it only made sense that if anybody ever wanted this ridiculous farce to go away, the bad guys would need to DIE.

"In order for everything to be okay, the bad guys need to die!" exclaimed Minako. Makoto rolled her eyes.

"But the announcer already said that!"

"And then you rolled your eyes!"

"He said that too!" she growled.

"You also growled! And I exclaimed something!"

"Ladies, let's stop fighting," moaned Michiru. Minako smiled brightly.

"Michiru, you moaned!"

"I'll say!" purred Haruka playfully. Michiru blushed.

"Ho, boy," sighed Minako wearily. "It looks like I'm going to be busy for awhile!"

"Enough of this!" said one of the Senshi. Nobody knew who it was, since there were approximately 88,000 heroes gathered together in the room. "We must journey to Thrinakie's hideout! Only by doing that will this ridiculous story end!"

"Hohohohoho! If you go to Thrinakie's hideout, you will die!" laughed Chibi-Usa.

"Not again," moaned Setsuna. "Well, we've been hanging around this place way too long! The sooner we leave and kill that crazy old buzzard, the sooner we can all have hot lesbian sex!"

"But Chibi-Usa and I are too young for it," pointed Hotaru sadly. Ami shrugged.

"Not according to fan writers you're not. Besides, Setsuna's technically the only one who's really old enough to legally _have_ sex, but whenever has legality ever stopped a fan writer?"

"KIRIKA!!" screamed Usagi and Rei simultaneously. Meanwhile, Kirkia-hime rolled her eyes and wished that just for once, her story's parody would have some sense to it. Sorry, not gonna happen.

"Anyway, what's stopping us from going to Thrinakie's hideout?" wondered Rei.

"We don't have a ride!"

"I can fix that!" exclaimed Haruka. "To the Sailor Uranus-mobile! …Gosh, that's a stupid name!"

"No it's not!" grinned Michiru. Haruka sighed.

"It's not? Ya really think so?"

"Of course I do! It's a great name!"

"Aw, get in the car!"

*The Batman sign pans forward and backwards quickly as the scene changes*

As the theme song to "Batman" played, the Sailor Uranus-mobile revved out of the Senshi's secret compartment and tore down the streets, with Rei and Usagi each singing the song, annoying everybody else.

"Nananananananananananananananana Batman! Nananananananananananananananana Batman! Batman, Batman, Batman! Batman, Batman, Leader!"

"Hey guys, who do you think was the best Catwoman?" asked Makoto suddenly. The Sailor Uranus-mobile was roaring down the highway with a Batman song playing, no less than 100 confirmed or potential lesbians in it (and a single man who kept his silence well) so of course the topic went straight to the felonious felon.

"Personally, I liked Lee Meredith," said Minako. "Strong, sexy, sleek, not to mention blonde! She could kick Adam West's butt!"

"No way!" squealed Rei in retaliation. "Ertha Kitt, all the way! She even has a cat for a name, Kitt! And the purr! You gotta take her purr into account!"

"Okay, so Ertha Kitt could purr! So what? She wasn't in the movie!"

"That was Michelle Pfeiffer," noted Setsuna. "Ahh… a woman in skintight leather…"

"You're drooling, Setsy-chan," noted Haruka coolly. Setsuna wiped the drool off her mouth.

"Seriously, though, can you blame me? She had that really dark aura around her too, and I almost wet myself when she licked her own body!"

"Sick!"

"What??"

"I dunno, that whip she had got me all excited!" exclaimed Ami with a grin. All the riders gazed over at the mousy girl in confusion.

"Huh? Ami?? Are you into S&M?"

"Well, my initials _are_ Sailor Mercury… and with Sailor Mars and Sailor Moon… Ooh!" The blue-haired girl shivered in excitement, and even Minako had to admit that the threesome sounded hot.

"Still," added Haruka, "Lee Meredith did things for me that no kitten could do."

"I think the old-school Batgirl was the hottest," added Michiru with a smile. "I could definitely slash them together and see a plausibility." Haruka nodded her head and agreed.

"You have to admit, though, that Robin could be my Boy Wonder any day of the week!"

"OH YEAH!"

"What, you mean Burt Ward, or Chris O'Donnel?"

"Both," replied the blonde with a grin. "And I don't mean the old Burt Ward. I want Robin in his prime. Those tights can do wonders for me…" Haruka nearly fainted from fantasizing too much, but luckily, Setsuna quickly caught the wheel.

"Pay attention, Boy Wonder Lover! You almost caused the Sailor Uranus-mobile to smash into that tree!"

"Obviously, the Joker is behind all of this!" stated Hotaru.

"Which one, Cesar Romero or Jack Nicholson?"

"Who cares, they both rocked the house!"

"Amen to that!" agreed Usagi. "And the dude that played the Riddler… Gosh, skintight green spandex with question marks all over… it'd make me dizzy!"

"I hear you there!" agreed Makoto. "But Burgess Meredith had his good points, too!" Minako snarled in disgust.

"What, the Penguin? No way! Short stocky men who drool and eat raw fish don't cut it for me!"

"I dunno, he kinda reminded me of my old boyfriend…"

"EVERYBODY DOES!!!" wailed poor Ami, throwing her hands in the air. "Except for me, of course, and I'm a girl…" Makoto and Ami then proceeded to make out right then and there, for no reason at all.

"Hey, keep it down back there!" shouted Haruka. "Besides, aren't you two in love with those people from the Xenogears world?"

"Fei and Citan were already taken," they moaned.

"What about Krelian?"

"KRELIAN'S MINE!!!!!!" Minako roared out so loud that the entire Sailor Uranus-mobile nearly tipped over. Haruka hastily turned around and apologized to her young friend.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry, Krelian's all yours!"

"Yippee! I like the part where he's naked the best!"

"Oh, boy…"

"You know, I liked Catwoman, too…" murmured Mamoru sheepishly. All the girls wheeled around and screamed at him like demons, their eyes ablaze and their teeth razor-sharp.

"**_SILENCE, FOOLISH MORTAL! NOBODY CARES!!_**" The poor guy sunk deep into his chair, trying to avoid the acidic glare of his comrades. Sometimes, it hurt badly to be Mamoru, but somebody had to do it.


	16. The Deadliest Weapon of them All!

****

Chapter 16: The Deadliest Weapon of them All!

Once the Sailor Senshi arrived at Thrinakie's Hideout, their pointless conversation involving Batman came to an abrupt end. Most of the girls apologized to poor helpless Mamoru, and even though Rei and Usagi still had the hots for each other (and Billy), the blonde gave her boyfriend a kiss anyway (Rei, meanwhile, was far too busy choking Billy with her Vulcan Glomp of Death). Makoto apologized for kissing Ami, and the shorter girl apologized for fantasizing about a leather-bound Catwoman, though nobody could really blame her. Everyone else then apologized because it took up space.

"Now that that's over with, let's go end this story and kill Thrinakie!" exclaimed Chibi-Usa. Everybody transformed, but Chibi-Usa was consumed by the flames shooting out from Rei's transformation and was killed instantly.

"Oh my god, they killed Chibi-Usa!" exclaimed Minako.

"You sick nasty freakish perverted monkey-monsters!" A pause.

"Sailor Senshi, awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!" Setsuna/Sailor Pluto led the charge into Thrinakie's building, and Chibi-Usa revived once again to the dismay of everybody in the entire world, except for Hotaru and maybe Mamoru.

"We're here, we're queer, now get us some beer!" shouted Sailor Uranus as she broke into the room.

"For love and PEACE!" shouted Sailor Moon, doing her best imitation of Vash the Stampede.

"You have MY axe!" shouted Mercury.

"Do you want fries with that?" snarled Mars.

"I need a new wardrobe!" moaned the masked man. Everyone agreed and made him wear his Prince Endymion outfit, which was much better-looking and would forever be in style. Suddenly, before anybody could advance, the maniacal Iason appeared from out of nowhere!

"Hello, my name is Iason!"

"Oh no, it's that guy that can only say one thing!" exclaimed Jupiter.

"You have MY axe!" shouted Mercury.

"What shall we do?" wondered Saturn. "We need to kill him in order to pass!"

"Hello, my name is Iason!"

"Oh no!" wailed Neptune. "HE'S VERY SLOWLY COMING TOWARDS US!" Sure enough, the enraged Iason was gently crawling towards the gathered soldiers, barely trudging along amidst their shrieks of horror. Five terrifying minutes passed before he was within reaching distance.

"How are we going to kill this guy?" moaned Jupiter.

"You have MY axe!" shouted Mercury. Jupiter's face lit up happily as her friend offered the weapon.

"Oh, Ami, you're the greatest ever! Gush~"

"Here we go again," sighed Minako. "Geez Louise! Makoto, you're hopeless!"

"At least I have Ami's axe!!!"

"You know," murmured Sailor Moon to Mars, "there's something really wrong with the way she said that…"

"Tell me about it!" As the girls moaned amongst themselves, Sailor Jupiter took Ami's axe and flung it straight at Iason, splitting his skull in two!

"HELLO, MY NAME IS IASON!!" he screamed before falling down to the floor. Jupiter jerked the axe from out of his forehead, and stood triumphantly as the creature breathed his last. "…Hello… my… name… is……… Iason…!"

"It sure is…" Shyly, Sailor Mercury walked back up to Jupiter, tapping her shoulder gently. "Huh? What is it, Ami?"

"You… have my axe…"

"Oh, sorry!" Cheerfully, Jupiter handed Mercury's axe back to her, and the girls were able to move once again. Mamoru stayed behind, however, getting a good look at Iason as he laid there on the floor.

"Hmm… what a weirdo!"

----------

"Kurses!" snarled Thrinakie as he watched Iason die. "Zose Sailor Senshi are ruining our plan! _Mein herr_, vat do you suggest?"

"Don't ask me, I'm just your right hand!"

"Qviet, you!" snapped Thrinakie, slapping his right hand hard. "Such insubordination shall surely result in your demise!"

"Oh, Lord Thrinakie, you're _so_ powerful!"

"_Danke shoen_, mein hand!" The crazy old man smiled and kissed his hand, whom he had been speaking out of for the past 9000 years. "Now, vat vill ve do about ze Sailor Senshi, eh? Zey haff destroyed mein allies, killink off Bob, Laodameia, Aiaia, Iason, and probably some other weirdos I don't know about! How in ze vorld am _I_ goink to survive, zen?"

"Uhhhhhhh… ask them nicely to spare your life?"

"QVIET!" he snapped, slapping his insubordinate hand once again. "I haff had enough of you, da?! You vill now obey me, da?!"

"Yes, lord! Here, let me shake hands with the one-eyed monster!"

"BAD HAND! NAUGHTY HAND! I vill punish you for such foul language!!!!" However, before Thrinakie could punish his right hand, the Sailor Senshi burst into his room.

"Not so fast, you crusty old bingo-playing mage!"

"ACH! Za Sailor Senshi are HERE! Hand, vat have you been DOING??"

"Don't look at me, Lord Thrinakie!" argued his hand. "I've been attached to your body the whole time! There wasn't anything I could do!"

"LIAR!!"

"No, please! Don't bite me again!!" Thrinakie ignored the pleas of his hand and started gnawing on it mercilessly, chewing into its crusty flesh until it screamed for mercy. Meanwhile, the Sailor Senshi watched the unusual spectacle in confused awe.

"Awww…"

"That's… _really_… freaky…" muttered Venus. Quickly, before Thrinakie could recover from his self-inflicted wounds, the soldier of love threw her Love Me Chain around him, tying him fast to his chair. Thrinakie could wiggle and struggle as much as he wanted, but even he was unable to move from the trap that had been set around him. Minako grinned with sick glee as she glared at the gross guy.

"Now… for the most painful, terrible, and agonizing death ever! Because we hate you so much, old man, we're going to subject you to tortures so terrifying that your very eyes will bleed and your innards will rot!"

"Oh no, whatever am I goink to do?" he wailed, his voice dripping with sarcasm. Venus' grin became even deadlier as she leaned in to tell him the bad news.

"Trust me, you don't want to get on our bad side. We have ways of making you suffer."

"Oh? Like what? Are you going to put me on the rack, or inside an Iron Maiden?"

"No, worse! We're going to force you to watch subbed and dubbed animes!"

"_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_" Thrinakie shrieked out so loud that he deafened everything within a continent's range, but the Love Me Chain held him fast and kept him locked in the chair. As he struggled fiercely to break free, Uranus and Neptune slipped in a video of the most sickening anime shows imaginable, or at least those that had been butchered beyond recognition. Quickly, they parted from the room before they could be influenced, leaving Thrinakie to suffer all by himself.

"Wait, you forgot me too!" screamed Sailor Mini-Me--but it was too late. The subbed and dubbed animes had already started to play, and even though Thrinakie tried closing his eyes and drowning out the terrible noise with his screams, it was all in vain. The anime had been torn apart so badly and separated so far from its original format that it had became a lethal weapon, perfect for torturing anything to death.

And as Thrinakie let out a final scream, the terror of the badly-dubbed anime show became so great that his eyes literally began to bleed and his innards started to rot, just as Venus predicted. His face began to melt as well, until a river of his own blood washed over his face, slowly eating away at his skin until his skull was exposed. The evil demon melted into a puddle, screaming and gurgling until there was no sound left, save for the terror of the show.

Sailor Mini-Me, however, exploded.

__

Meanwhile…

"Oh my god, we killed Chibi-Usa!"

"You cactus-hugging porcupine-kissing Communist-loving bed-wetting monsters!"

A pause.

"Oh well, that was fun!" gushed Neptune. "Who wants ice cream?"

"I do, I do!!"

And so, our heroines and their single male companion went out for ice cream, and there was much rejoicing.


	17. Tsukino's Tsecret

__

Get ready for yet another WAAAACCKKKYYY episode of "The Sailor Moon Fun Show"! Today's episode, **Tsukino's Tsecret!**

__

--The scene begins as Mamoru greets a nervous-looking Usagi…--

Mamoru: Greetings, nervous-looking Usagi. What seems to be the problem?

Usagi: Problem? What problem?

Mamoru: Well, you don't look very good, baby-doll. Is something the matter?

Usagi: Well… Actually, yes, it is--but I don't know how to tell you. I don't think you'll take it well.

Mamoru: Well I guess it all depends on when you tell me. Don't worry, baby-doll, I'll always love you!

Usagi: You sure?

Mamoru: Positive.

Usagi: You really sure?

Mamoru: I am!

Usagi: You really, really, _really_ sure??

Mamoru: Absolutely!

Usagi: Well, okay… Mamoru-kun, you know how Rei and I are always, erm, hanging around each other, right?

Mamoru: Well I should hope so, since you're friends and partners in the war against evil.

Usagi: Yeah, well, about that "partners" stuff… Ummm… I dunno how to tell you this, but…

Mamoru: Oh, it's okay, Usagi-hime. Remember, I'll always love you!

Usagi: …Right… (He's making this harder than it needs to be) Umm, Mamoru… well… to tell you the truth… umm… I'm a lesbian.

Mamoru: A WHAT??!!

Usagi: Now, Mamoru, you promised you wouldn't get mad!

Mamoru: No I didn't! Usagi, how _could_ you?! I thought that we had something going on! I thought that you loved me and only me! How could you betray that trust? Imagine, my own Usagi, going behind my back and doing… THIS! Do you realize how disappointed I am??!!

Usagi_: But~ Mamoruuuuuu~_

Mamoru: *sigh* What is it, Usa?

Usagi: Rei and I aren't hurting anybody! We both care for each other immensely! There's real love that's going on between us! Mamoru, I love and adore you eternally and gratefully, but I think I'd be happier living with and loving Rei, my sweet flame champion. I'm sorry for breaking your heart, Mamoru, but I _am_ a lesbian!

Mamoru: Oh, _LESBIAN!_ …Gosh, I thought you said that you were a _thespian!_

Usagi: …Huh?

*everyone bursts out in laughter*

__

We hope you've enjoyed this episode of "The Sailor Moon Fun Show"!

Mamoru: Thank God you didn't join the actor's guild! Whew! …Hey, wait a minute! I still don't have a girlfriend!!! …Oh well, I could always go to Fiore if I was desperate enough…

Usagi: YAY! Shounen-ai! Shounen-ai! YAAYY!

Mamoru: Ho, boy…

__

Tune in again next time when we'll here Mamoru's and Usagi's crusty old dating councilor say…

"Hey, big man, lemme hold a dollar! Oink, oink!"


	18. Fight Scene

****

Chapter 18: Fight Scene

Once upon a time, the two remaining evil villains decided to use up all their power and eliminate the Sailor Senshi in an all-out, do-or-die attack. Lazarus and Makareus also wanted to gather as many of their allies as they could, in order to completely outnumber the noble Senshi. Together, they brought forth every evil snake in the area: lowlifes, half-lifes, dimwits, nitwits, mercenaries, bounty hunters, bushwhackers, cattle rustlers, mugs, pugs, thugs, butt-kickers, goons, buffoons, maroons, crooks, cons, criminals, bakers, Shakers, Quakers, Lakers, fakirs, pirates, scalawags, bikers, terrorists, Nazis, stranglers, stalkers, villains, talkers, desperados, and Methodists (Makareus had to repeat the list since Lazarus took a few minutes to find a sheet of paper to write it all down on).

Once their massive army had been assembled, the evil villains finally emerged from their safe hideout and marched towards the Sensi's base, bringing the fight to _them_ for once (and destroying a lot of the city in the process, they hoped). Fortunately, Sailor Pluto got wind of the whole scheme, and with the help of Usagi (_and_ Rei), she bolstered the troop's morale, summoned up all the good guys, and came up with a plan to fight back against the oncoming army…

----------

"You see them coming yet?" Ami peered through her binoculars carefully and squinted her eyes before answering. The Senshi were all crouched on a ridge, carefully watching the horizon for the appearance of their enemy.

"Not yet."

"You see them now?"

"No?"

"Now?"

"No."

"How about now?"

"No." Ami's patience was as powerful as she was pretty.

"You see anything now?"

"No."

"How about now?"

"No."

"I'm hungry," said Minako. Ami suddenly let out a cry as she spotted a cloud of dust in the distance.

"Aha! There they are! Right on schedule!"

"I hate it when people say that," muttered Usagi. "What schedule? You're always going on some kind of schedule! Just do something randomly!"

"I'd better do something randomly," murmured Ami. Setsuna quickly tapped Rei's leg, signaling her to let off the dynamite that had been buried far below them.

"Okay, it looks like they're within range," she murmured to herself. The warrior of flames spat out a fireball from the tip of her finger, igniting the fuse that set off the mighty blast. As the army of enemies ran across the empty lot, a tremendous ball of fire blew in their faces, scorching them and confusing them with clouds of smoke and flame. The Sailor Senshis let out a loud whooping holler, and with Rei's rallying call, they sprinted down the plateau and into the battle.

"Okay, everybody! Let's go _wipe them out!!!_"

"YEEE-HAAAWW!!!!!"

A tidal wave of Senshi stormed down the streets, their combined powers crashing into the confused foes like a tsunami. Everyone and everything erupted in a massive free-for-all fight scene, with demons and pretty girls smashing everything in sight, including each other. Big massive monsters were easily tripped under the Chain of Venus, and Mercury and Mars combined their powers to send a whirlwind of burning ice across the world.

Several of the girls got into fist fights, punching and slamming everything they came in contact with. Jessie Black, Billy's drunk father, yanked a demon close to his face and breathed toxic alcohol breath on him, paralyzing him instantly. Meanwhile, Billy used his bishonen goodness to cause several of the girls to chase him, trampling enemies underneath.

"Forgive me, Lord!" he shouted as he slammed a Bible against an enemy's head. Mars and Moon were each ramming their fists into the enemies, but in the confusion of everything, Sailor Moon suddenly turned around and punched Mars in the face!

"Oh! Sorry, sorry!" She patted her would-be lover's face in an attempt to recover her, and no hard feelings were felt as the fight progressed into an uncontrollable chaos--a scene of anarchy so great that it could even be seen from the glittering skylight of Tokyo…

__

Meanwhile…

In a secluded studio lot, the Radio City Hall Rockettes were performing a magnificent cancan dance. It was the famous musical interlude to The Wizard of Oz, and every leggy woman in the group was belting out the wonders of the wizard and the yellow brick road that led to the Emerald City. Suddenly, one of the taller girls in the middle slipped and fell, tumbling slightly and ruining the whole scene.

"CUT!!" As the music and activity stopped, the angry director marched onto the scene, went up to the poor girl, and shouted straight into his megaphone, "WRONG!!"

"I'm sorry!"

"I don't know why you're having trouble with this, it's so simple!" he wailed. "It's kick-kick-look to your left, kick-kick look to your right, kick-kick finish with a flair! Ugh, watch me, you pansies!" The angry director cued the music, and demonstrated to the girls what he wanted--but slipped and fell himself before he could complete it. He hastily recovered himself and turned back to the Rockettes to see if anybody misunderstood.

"Is this totally understood?"

"Yes…"

"Sounds like a dead person moaning…" The poor man sighed, and cued the music up once again, running out of the scene before anything could start. On a cue of "Five, six, seven, eight," the music started up again and the girls began their routine. It was the famous musical interlude to The Wizard of Oz, and every leggy woman in the group was belting out the wonders of the wizard and the yellow brick road that led to the Emerald City. Suddenly, the studio walls crumbled down, and out emerged the entire cast of the previous fighting scene, still clobbering and killing each other without inhibition!

"STOP, STOP!!!" yelled the director, ceasing all the action. He turned to the frozen group and screamed at them. "What in the world is THIS? You can't have a fight scene in my Rockette's Wizard of Oz! Don't you understand? This is a closed set!"

"Aw, piss on yew, ya pansy!" growled Lazarus. "We're all workin' fer Kirkia, Al Kristopher, and Takeuchi-sama!" Lazarus reached back to slug the man--

"AH! Not in the face!" …And hastily slammed him in the stomach at the last second, earning a wheezing "Thank you…"

"Oh, no! They've hit Kenny!" shouted one of the Rockettes.

"You monsters! C'mon, girls, let's get'em!" And with that, every single one of the Rockettes joined in on the fight scene, only adding even MORE chaos and confusion to the mess. A flood of females merged with the fight and battled off Senshi and demon alike, though not very successfully. One of them flimsily slapped their hands against the chest of a demon, screaming obscenities as she did, but ended up crying and being cradled by the demon instead.

Another kicked one of the demons right in the crotch, earning his wrath and fury. He gave her chase into a hallway, but when they emerged, they were swooning over each other! Two more of the Rockettes were waltzing with Michiru, and Haruka kept Lazarus busy by drinking and singing with him. As the zaniness escalated into a mindless frenzy, another wall was broken down and the fight scene went elsewhere…

__

Meanwhile-meanwhile…

Godzilla was trampling over the entire city, screaming loud and destroying everything with his nuclear breath. In front of him was an EVA, battling it to the death as hundreds of screaming Japanese ran from the carnage.

"What I tell you?" shouted one of them. "It Godzilla! GODZILLA! Not Godzirra!"

"Fa-ra-ra-ra-raa, ra-raa raa-raa!"

"No, imbeciles!" he screamed. "Not fa-ra-ra! Fa-la-la!" Suddenly, the EVA pilot squished them.

"Oops," murmured Rei. On the surface, Shinji screamed up to her as she fought the behemoth lizard.

"REI! Use the Force to beat him!"

"But I'm not a Jedi!" she shouted back. Shinji froze.

"Oh. …Crap!" Before Godzilla could get the best of Rei, however, the studio wall fell over, revealing battling Senshi, Rockettes, demons, and no less than 4,200 bingo-playing Jedi Knights. Both Godzilla and Shinji glanced over as the massive fight scene threatened to overtake their peaceful surroundings.

"Rei, look! It's a bunch of Jedi!" The silent girl understood and asked the Jedi very nicely to use the Force on Godzilla. However, before they could, the lizard turned around and made them all toasty.

"Ouch," said the Jedi.

"Oops," said Rei again.

__

Meanwhile-meanwhile…

"Lord Vader, the Death Star is ready!" shouted an unimportant Imperial officer.

"Silence, foolish mortal! Get ready to fire the Death Star!"

"Death Star ready to fire!"

"Fire at will!" The Death Star powered up, and aimed its laser beam towards Will from Illusion of Gaia, killing him instantly. "Not him, you dolts!" shouted Vader. "Kill somebody in the fight!"

"We're~ sorry~" The Death Star powered up again, and in a massive explosion, it destroyed Godzilla instantly! Again!

"Hooray!" squealed Rei. She emerged from her EVA and noticed a dark-haired Senshi in the massive fight. Inquisitively, the young girl approached the older one and peered at her carefully.

"Hello, my name is Rei." The girl turned around and gasped.

"Hello, _my_ name is Rei!"

"I'm a pivotal character in a popular anime series."

"_I'm_ a pivotal character in a popular anime series!"

"I'm secretly in love with the main heroine of the story."

"_I'm_ secretly in love with the main heroine of the story!"

"I'm usually withdrawn and taciturn."

"_I'm_ usually……… not…" Rei Hino sighed, and Rei Ayaname sighed with her. Suddenly, the fight scene grew out of control, and enveloped everybody and everything into its massive confusing cloud of mass confusion cloudiness that could envelop everybody and everything. Whew!

__

Meanwhile-meanwhile, meanwhile-meanwhile!!

It was a quiet day in the actor's guild studio cafeteria. Everybody was just sitting down for their afternoon meal, not expecting anything peculiar or out of the ordinary to happen. Adolf Hitler, Napoleon, Ozzy Osbourne, and Charles Manson all sat next to Walt Disney, a healthy meal in their trays.

"My death scene is next," sighed the man who played Hitler. "Once I get my last scene in, I'm outta here. What about you, Joe?"

"Another bloody love scene," sighed the actor who played Ozzy. "That was like my ninth one this hour! How many bloody sexual escapades did this fellow go through?"

"One can only imagine," said Charles Manson. Nobody was playing him; this was the real guy. "So, is anybody up for a game of hearts?"

"Nah…" Suddenly, the wall to the cafeteria broke down, spilling in hundreds and thousands of fighters, and characters from every single anime series ever made! Amidst the screams and shouts of the actors there, one voice rang out clearly.

"Get your pies here, pies! Get your pies for the great Pie Fight! Pies!" Immediately, a hailstorm of pies were thrown everywhere, smashing into everything and slapping everybody with a custard treat. Adolf Hitler and Napoleon quickly took to high ground and began commanding the fight as if it were a real battle, and soon the entire place became a mess. Lazarus snuck up on Rei (Hino), but she caught him and threw him across a counter until he slammed into a cash register.

"Cole slaw, green beans, pea soup, and coconut pie!" stated the cashier, summing up the food items that had splattered all over the hillbilly demon. "That comes to a total of $4.25!"

The Great Pie Fight scene continued even as Makareus emerged from the bathroom (where nature had called him to). Seeing the messy chaos all around him, he quickly ducked back into the bathroom, only to emerge two seconds later with a pie splattered all over his face. He sighed, and sprinted out of the room into the main studio lot, where everybody else streamed as well, filling the entire street with their madness. Actors, fighters, Rockettes, Jedi, Imperial storm troopers, mages, imps, and a whole lot of other really crazy things flooded out, until there was only Sailor Mars left to give chase to the bad guy.

And give chase she did, all the way out to a secluded area of the studio, where the final battle would take place (no, really). She snarled at Makareus, who snarled back at her.

"All right, Makareus! Draw your weapon!"

"Ah, well, uh… I'm, uh, I'm unarmed! See!" Rei drew in a deep breath and put her dukes up.

"All right, then we'll settle this like real anime characters, and spend three episodes staring at each other and exchanging verbal insults. By the way, your father was a hamster and your mother smelt of elderberries!"

"On second thought, scratch that!" exclaimed Makareus, pulling out a long spear. "I _am_ armed, after all!" He thrust the object at Rei, sinking it deep into her stomach and condemning her to death. Sailor Moon saw it and screamed out loud.

"**_REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIII! (gasp) NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!_**" The Moon Princess rushed straight towards her friend and love, cradling her head in her arms as she shed precious tears. Rei managed to smile, even though she knew that she would be dead within 8-10 sentences.

"Rei, no…"

"Usagi…" Rei gingerly took the hands of her beloved, kissed them, and held them close to her heart. "I… ahh… My only regret… was never telling you… that… I… loved you…" With that, Rei Hino, Sailor Mars, eternal beloved of Sailor Moon, princess of the planet of Mars, died silently.

Usagi's soul shattered as the woman she loved perished.

"Wait!" coughed Rei, somehow still clinging on. "Take care… of… the others… for me…"

"O… of course…" Rei smiled again, a sweet smile that would be burned forever into Sailor Moon's memory, and breathed her last. Tears came down from Usagi's eyes as her beloved laid there unmoving, and she shuddered as the only love she ever knew had been taken away from--

"Wait, one more thing!" sputtered Rei, coming back again. "Did you… remember… to leave… the kitchen door… open?"

"Y-yes…"

"Good!" she coughed. "I… didn't want… burglars… to rob… the place…" And with that, Rei Hino's head became limp, and her last breath escaped from her lips, two rosy petals that Usagi had never been able to treat enough with her tender--

"One more thing before I go!" shouted Rei, becoming animated again. "There… is… another… Sky… walk… er…" Rei then croaked, and fell limp again. Usagi shook her friend in a vain attempt to bring her back, but no power in heaven or earth could--

"I'm not dead yet!" screamed Rei. Makareus rolled his eyes and wondered when--or better yet, _if_--the girl would die. Hastily, Rei drew Usagi in for a final kiss, and smiled as her mission seemed complete. "There! Thus… with a kiss… I die…" Usagi sighed sadly as her beloved perished, and moaned in agony as she buried her face in her friend's bosom.

"Just… give me a few seconds here…" groaned Rei as she struggled to sit up. "I'm… sure I can… last a few seconds longer…" Usagi growled angrily at her indecisive and heartily stubborn friend.

"Oh, for the love of…! Rei, just die already!"

"Okay… okay… This time… it's… for real… ugghnn…" And with a final death groan, Rei Hino died for good, no joke, completely serious, end of the line.

"I… think… I'm… getting… better…"

"You're not fooling anybody!" snapped Usagi. Rei sighed and shrugged.

"Sorry." Then she died. Usagi let out a sigh, and resumed growling after her hated enemy with more deadly vengeance in her crystal eyes than anyone could ever be led to believe.

"Makareus…!"

"Oh, are we finally ready to continue?" he said with a yawn. "Golly, I thought she'd never die She just kept on coming back!"

"You shut up!" she screamed. "You killed my lover! Now I'm going to do the exact same thing to you, except in a much more violent manner!"

"Ah, I'm not really that scared. You knew I wouldn't be."

"I had to try," she shrugged. Usagi took a step towards her foe, but just as she did, Rei stood up once again, completely unharmed and completely refreshed! Not to mention completely hot!

"Huh… I'm alive. Gee, Makareus, you've got _really_ bad aim!"

"D'ohh!" he grunted in annoyance. Usagi waved her arms in the air, screaming for Rei to help her. Rei dashed towards Makareus but was thrown into the wall, where she feebly tried to move but found it to be impossible.

"Rei! Your spinach! Eat your spinach, Rei!" Groaning, Sailor Mars searched her Senshi outfit for her can of spinach, and squeezed it open with her bare hands, sending the contents sailing through the air and into her mouth. A crazy song played as she chewed and swallowed it down, and her whole body felt the strength of twenty Reis surge through her body. When she flexed her muscle, the Rock of Gibraltar appeared on it, and as she roared towards Makareus, "Stars and Stripes Forever" began playing in the background.

Rei dove into her enemy wildly, flinging her fists at him like a wild top. She slammed her foot into his gut, yanked on his hair as she twirled him around the room, slammed him up against the ceiling (the walls had to take a break from all the abuse), poked his eyes out, slapped him around for a few minutes, and shouted out her mightiest battle-cry as she crushed his face with her fist.

"Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!" Makareus was thrown far and fell hard, and just for good measure, Rei leaped into the air, vaulted off a chandelier, and fell back onto her enemy, crushing his intestines with a mighty blast. Finally, she leaped off of him and sent his body flying with a well-timed kick. Meanwhile, Sailor Moon had hearts in her eyes as she watched Mars mop the floor with the poor man.

"Don't get soap suds in my hair!" he shouted as she dipped him in a bucket. Rei swabbed the tiled floor with his head, then finally threw him away like the refuse he was. Makareus stood once again to challenge her, but began to bawl and cry like a little baby.

"(sniffle) You're mean! I don't like this dimension anymore! I'm gonna go back home and tell my mommy on you! WAAAHH!" And with that, Makareus opened up a portal and leaped through it, retreating back into his home dimension like a little coward. With all the enemies gone at last, Rei smiled brightly and accepted Usagi's hug.

"Oh, Rei, you were marvelous!"

"That's right!" she sang. "I'm strong to the finish cuz' I eats me spinach, I'm Hino the Sailor Girl! (toot-toot!)"


	19. The One Where Everything Wraps Up Really...

****

Chapter 19: The One Where Everything Wraps Up Really Well

With Makareus gone and all the other demons and evil monsters either dead, in jail, or married to Rockettes, the Sailor Senshi were able to once again bask in the warm glow of victory. However, even as yet another evil passed them by, a feeling of unfulfillment came to them.

"Something doesn't feel quite right," murmured Hotaru. "We killed all the bad guys and saved the day, but… there's still something missing. What do you think, Haruka?" But Haruka wasn't listening; she was making out with Bart Fatima. Michiru was ogling poor Sigurd, so she didn't answer either, and Setsuna had her arms around Ramsus, refusing to let him go.

"I know what you mean, but I don't know what you mean," said Minako, draping her arms around Krelian. "This is really confusing!"

"Hold on, wait a second!" Suddenly, to the surprise of all the gathered Senshi there, the author of the original "Absence" came out of nowhere, her eyes wide with surprise and her face expressing shock. It was Kirika!

"(Gasp!) It's Kirika!" exclaimed Ami. She smiled and bowed properly as the brilliant authoress finally revealed herself. The smallish girl took a few deep breaths as she rested from running so much.

"Just… gimme… a second… here!" she managed. A few minutes passed before the young lady got her wind back, and when she did, she explained why Minako and Hotaru were having weird feelings. "Look, Sailor Senshi, there's a reason why you all feel strange! At the end of my story, every single one of you, regardless of your canonical sexual preference, was turned into a lesbian. The thing is, though, you're all drooling over these guys from Xenogears!"

"Ahem!"

"_And_ you, Mamoru-chan," she smiled, "my adorable little masked moron. How could we ever forget you?"

"You manage," he sighed miserably.

"Anyway," continued Kirika, "having you girls hook up with guys is a good ending, but I was hoping that Al Kristopher would at least keep a _few_ elements of my story in tact! Jeez, this is so far from my original dream that it's screwy!"

"I dunno…" murmured Rei (Hino). "You _did_ let him spoof the whole thing."

"Regardless, you all need to be lesbians. You're just so cute when you're with each other!"

"SAYS WHO??"

"Says me," she snorted. "I am the one who made "Absence" a success, after all! (I mean, duh!) So from this very day, you shall be known as… 'The Drunken Fighting Lesbian Super Posse'!" With a magical wave of her merry olde hand--

__

THWACK!

Ughnn!!

…Anyway, with a wave of her hand, all the girls gathered there instantly forgot about their previous love interests and began ogling and fondling each other. Haruka and Michiru got together, Ami and Makoto began to make out heavily, Chibi-Usa snuggled up to Hotaru, Rei and Usagi cuddled close together, and Minako (who had been perfectly attracted to guys her entire life) slowly whispered naughty words into Setsuna's ear, making her blush.

"(Hey, Puu… what say we go off into a room by ourselves, and I show you just how much fun we can have with my Venus Love Me Chain?)" Her face as red as her eyes, Setsuna eagerly followed Minako into a private room, and in no time at all, strange "noises" could be heard from inside.

"Do you suppose they're playing Gran Turismo 3?" wondered Michiru. Haruka needed only to raise her eyebrow in order to make her lover giddy.

"Oh, they're playing a game all right, but it sure isn't a video game…" Michiru got red in the face as well, and fell into the embrace of her beautiful angel. Kirika grinned triumphantly as many happy new couples were made, and gave a thumbs-up to the readers.

"Success! Now it's time for me and my girlfriend, hereby known as 'Mireille', to _also_ sneak into our room for some privacy! I hope to see you all again soon in my next story! Later, love ya, bye!" Blowing kisses all around, Kirika cheerfully left the area and her "creations" in good spirits. Mamoru, however, sunk down to the floor in misery.

"Phooey," he pouted. "I wish _I_ was a lesbian…"

"You can't be a lesbian, silly!" giggled Usagi. "You're a _man!!_" The entire group laughed out loud, making poor Mamoru only feel worse. He let out a depressed sigh and felt like disappearing forever.

__

Oh, Mamoru! You'll never win, will you? Ah, but we love you anyway!

So, once again, the day is saved, thanks to… the Pretty Girl Sailor Senshi! LOVE AND PEACE, EVERYBODY!

****

DNE EHT


End file.
